your bitter goodbye is ringing through this quiet night,

sometimes it's hard to write how we feel inside. so here i go, depicting everything inside me with pictures.

so this is where i stand. far away from you and who we'll ever be. i'm running through this never-ending hallway, avoiding these shadows i know exist. seventeen years have gone by. i'm passed the lights and all of the excuses. you could have signed this letter of life saying "sincerely yours" but you didn't even finish it. don't complain of the burning of this letter than meant nothing to you. because i thought it would mean everything to me. 

...but i'll still miss your existence through this cold air.

The desperate truth: Well number one, I feel such a strong urge to write on this blog. It's become my therapy and a necessity sometimes for me to be able to sleep. And secondly, sometimes I write notes down and use them to write on here. I'm sorry, that's a little pathetic I know. But it's just me. And I'm addicted to lists of any kind that I can make.

Sometimes I wonder if my dreams are truly reality...and the life I live is what I imagine.
And perhaps...all the things I think I know is a false perception.

I often dream I'm trapped somewhere with situations I can't escape from or avoid, and I'm forever repeating the same things and there's nothing I can do about it.


-Don't you think it's obvious I want to see more?

I've learned sometimes when we're lost on our own path, all we need is one person to believe in us, to give us hope that there is a life for us out there. And sometimes we forget that. We forget in life, there's lifeguards to keep us from drowning, if we're one of those extremely lucky people who have people who love us. And reader, I suspect you're on of those people, and you're one of those lifeguards to someone else. So don't forget, you have a job in life to help people from drowning. And there are people who will do the same for you.
My lifeguards have meant so much to me. And are more amazing than I'll ever be. As I've said before.

I've come to the conclusion that I can always make it when I think I can't.

I want everything to shine around me. Thinking about that, makes me feel so far away.

Currently listening to: Midnight Highway by Daphne Loves Derby on repeat.

Have you ever felt like you belong to a world that doesn't let you reach out and touch anything? Or anyone? I don't know if this will make sense to anyone else beside myself. My thoughts are meant for myself. Sometimes all I want is to reach out and grab someone that's not me, but I can't and I hope one day I'll have that strength.

One thing that I know is...that we can't wait for something to happen to be happy. We have to be happy in the exact moment we're in, and then, we can expect the happiness to come to us. This, I'm sure of.

I'm still waiting for you to say you hate me now, so I don't have to.

I'm so tempted to walk outside, as late as it is, and walk through this thunderstorm. But, I won't. Unless I feel the complete need again. Then, of course, it's unavoidable.

Goodnight. And...

love. love. love.