keep me far upon this mountain, far away from any distress,

thank you to anyone who is reading this. i appreciate when people read anything i write. and really, i don't understand why anyone would find my blog interesting. it's just me, talking about things that don't really matter or have anything to do with you. and that's why i'm even more appreciative to anyone who reads this blog. i hope you like it, i really do. xo

yesterday, was amazing. it was the best day i had in such a long time. and i'm not even sure why. nothing really happened that made it spectacular. it just was. some things are like that, there's no explanation at all, it just is.

currently listening to: save your scissors, city & colour

i have this feeling i wanted for so long, i feel   h a p p y.

and it just shows me what i'm capable of, which is even more happiness.

yesterday, i drove for a total of a couple/few hours. i don't mind. in fact, i like it. listening to music, the windows down, just driving, floating along...it's great.

i need to be heard. i've found this. i'm not the kind of person who craves attention, i'm fine being the one by herself in the back of the room sometimes. but, i do need people to listen to me. when i have something to say, i feel i have to say it. if you just listen to me, you'd see the pain i have deep inside, you'd see how much of a happy, optimistic person i really am. you'd see i'm probably one of the most caring people. that's why i want to be heard. i don't want to be thought of as a different person. i'm trying to let people get to know the real me.

"Look… I know my band isn’t big. I know I’m not an A-list celebrity… Hell, I’m not even a Z-list celebrity. I am just like all of you. I don’t have much money… but you know what? That doesn’t mean I can’t help. You don’t need money to change the world. You need spirit. You need love. Though I don’t have much, I do plan on making some sort of small donation. You don’t have to do the same but I am asking you to at least help spread the word. If you don’t want to do this for me… I understand. If you hate my band or love my band, that’s fine. But do it for Angelica Joy. Do it for her mother who just wants her precious child to be able to smile back at her."

-lead singer, the cab on his blog

--> wow, i'm convinced i want to marry this guy someday. his words inspire me so much, i comment on every single post on his blog, i hope he doesn't think i'm a stalker. it's not their band website or anything, it's his personal blog that he writes on, and it's amazing. i could learn a lot from that guy. but first, we should fall in love. ;)

looking at old pictures makes me want to smile and cry at the same time. i wouldn't be surprised if you, dear reader, have felt like this too. it's kind of universal, uncontrollable in a sense.

there goes everything i ever wanted, slowly dwindling away

sometimes i don't see myself

or remember who you were yesterday

how will we survive

to know somehow we'll always be alive

driving, not looking at the lines

the sun has been faded

100 mile signs

everything makes sense,

all inside my head

but this is where it ends.

the clouds are smiling at me

so i smile back

the sky is looking down

like there's something that it lacks.

you're that leaf that landed here

but the wind picked it up,

away from me, i fear.

i see you in my smile,

i see you in my dreams

i feel you and the inside of me screams.

cars passing by so fast

if i could blink fast enough

i'd see them moving past,

but i can't.

too much time too far away

i can't remember who i was yesterday

i walk down this empty street

i'll keep walking til i have nothing else

i'll count the stars while so discreet

i know i'm not a good poem/song writer. i know. but i enjoy the process. i just wrote this as i was writing this post. i wish i knew what all i was feeling meant. all i know, is that it means something. at least to me.

lovelovelove

somehow i can't be left in the shadows,

at the end of my life, i want to know i'm remembered. i want to know that i brought smiles to people's faces. i want to touch people's hearts. it's sort of scary to think about how much better i could be. i'm working on that. yes, i believe i'm a good person. i really do. but i could be much better. couldn't we all? right now, i really am trying to improve myself.

all i know is, i don't want to have a "normal" life. i don't want to go unknown. i want to do amazing things, and i will. i DO want a job, a house, and a family. but that's not all my life is going to consist of.

please, doubt this, and i'll prove you wrong. not specifically you, dear reader, but anyone who has doubts in me... if i don't doubt myself, there's no way i can fail.

if SOMEHOW, or someway, i can touch just ONE person, i can die happy. if i can look back and know that i helped someone, then i'll know that just maybe somewhere long this long road called life, i did something at least a bit right.

currently listening to: we did this to myself, the apathy eulogy

i'm hoping to attend a concert or two sometime soon. at least within the next couple of months.

this summer is going to be amazing, i can feel it. i can't believe that it's my last summer of high school. i just realized that, and i was shocked. i didn't think it would go by so fast. i never really pictured myself being 17. under the age of...oh, about 15...i never understood the expression "it feels like it was just yesterday".

but now, i do.

and it's true.

love.love.love.

believe in it, see it through my eyes,,

sometimes it's really hard for me to find myself.and that makes me sad. it shouldn't be that hard for me anymore, it shouldn't. i find myself trying to change myself. and it's not that i want to be someone different. i just want to show my full self more. i feel like i hide behind a wall that's not me. if only people could see beyond that. it'd be so different. because yes, i can be humorous (according to you), but i have a different side that's more important than that. i have opinions. i'm not closeminded. i have a side that's really caring, and sometimes that doesn't show when you have to cover up your heart.

well, i decided i don't want to do that anymore.

i don't want to have to remind myself to be ME.

some people are so wrapped up in their lives, well "lives". like at school, i see all these girls trying SO hard to make an impact on people. like they cherish how people see them more than anything. that's not me. i feel like there's so much more.

i really don't like that, because sometimes when we're around something so much, we start to feel ourselves drifting to that. i can't be like the rest. and i refuse. why would i want to constantly think/talk about who's having sex with who, and what party i'm going to this saturday? yeah, i am a normal teenager, but i have more to talk about than what some girl is wearing.

anyway, i felt like i had to say that just because i'm starting to notice that more.

i started making a list of the things i wanted to do this summer. i know i make a lot of lists. i'm not sure why.

but i guess it's a reminder to me about what i really want. and i'm a very determined person. lists just kind of show me what i want and what i have to do to make myself happy. not that i need to accomplish everything on a list to be happy. that's not what i'm saying either. but writing my goals down, it helps inspire me and show what i really want. i guess that' s important.

10 steps to self-improvement:

1. constantly remind the people i love that i love them

2. bad influences

 3. keep a smile

4. be more wellspoken

5. don't push myself too much. but also, push myself more when needed

6. don't get upset about any 5 minute/hour problems

7. find something/someone who inspires me to be better every day

8. remind myself what's important

9. say what's on my mind, without being rude

10. show kindness to others and do what's necessary to help (within reason of course)

i think sometimes we shouldn't be distrusting and shut everyone away, but we need to be on guard of who we can't trust. we shouldn't be nonbelieving and paranoid, but we shouldn't be gullable either. those two extremes really hurt me sometimes...

you won't believe me or see it, but i feel so unbelievably different today. and i feel it's permanent.

last night i dreamt i was outside in my driveway and it was POURING rain. i was playing it it and the happiest i had ever been. that brings tears to my eyes because the feeling was amazing. i was so grateful in that dream. it was perfect. yet so simple.

Leave it here,

I know that you've been running, dear,

I've been thinking, we'd stay here,

Don't you worry about a thing,

'Cause I'll be here, yeah, I'll be here,

And I'll be waiting for you

So sorry about all of the times,

I had to, needed to,

Believe it and see it through my eyes,

But don't you worry about it,

'Cause I am here for you,

As long as you need me to,

'Cause I am here for you,

As long as you need me to

whoever this was written about or to, i believe she's a really lucky girl. because if this was written for me, i'd melt right where i was.

 

lovelovelove.

i'm a wonder,

i know typically i put a picture first, then writing. but first, i want to say...this post is extrememly important to me. i hope you can understand.

don't forget to dream big dreams, so take a chance and sing loud, to laugh at all the silly stuff, and tuck away some memories.

sometimes the people around us can't see who we really are. why is that? even though they can’t see and refuse to see all of the good things you do and have to offer…doesn’t mean they don’t happen or exist.

i think we should all be happy. there is no excuse in the world to be miserable. if we aren’t enjoying every breath and step we take, then we are doing something terribly wrong. we don't have to deal with criticisms. we are all worth more than that. sometimes we get comfortable with the way things are going, so we feel content. but we don't truly know happiness. we can all do better. we don't have to keep climbing and not reach the top of a mountain. it doesn't have to be like that.

i'm just saying...in some way I really do hope something i say can affect someone in the slightest way. i blog for a few reasons, and i'd like you to know those, seeing as you're reading it now:

1.) I feel the constant (or almost constant) need to write. It helps satisfy that craving.

2.) I feel more expressive as I write, and sometimes I even re-read old posts i've written to help me through things. (weird? maybe a little.)

3.) like i said, i really want at least one person to read something i write and say 'hey, this makes sense, and this really helped me and inspired me'. the truth: i don't know if i'm capable of writing something that powerful, but i'm still trying. and that's my prayer about this.

greatness can be found in the strangest places. i see it all the time, and i wish i could see it more. because honestly, it exists everywhere we look. the small smiles and hopes people hold. i'm amazed. it shows me how much i really have to learn, and how much better of  a person i'm capable of being. i feel i need to hold on to the greatness i know the world has, even though i sometimes don't see it.

i am:

-someone who isn't willing to see anyone i love break down

-a girl who has been through more than ANYONE will know but i have gratitude

-a person with fears, but also with strengths i'm determined to let show

if i'm being completely honest here, i'm crying right now. and i'm not sure why. it's not sadness and it's not joy, it's infinite.

every so often, i find myself staring at a face that doesn't exist.

i wonder when i'll be able to stare into the eyes of time.

and go back to where we were.

the earth is unbalanced without you

somehow the gravity changed that day

or maybe my head was spinning

this is beyond what i can comprehend

dear reader, please know god is out there looking at you, hoping for the world for you. he needs you to make that happen. follow his path he's made for you.

love.love.love.