will you lay here with me and feel it?

Even if your hope has burned with time
Anything that is dead shall be re-grown
And your vicious pain, your warning sign
You will be fine

currently listening to: a playlist of all angels & airwaves, a band i recently discovered.
i'm always discovering.
let me say, they're lyrics are simply amazing.

i haven't written in a long time. perhaps a lack of inspiration, perhaps my head has been clouded with things that i thought i just couldn't handle. either way, i'm so sorry because i forgot how much i needed this. i feel so weak saying this, but without getting something out, i can't breathe. what is it i need to get out? i'm not sure. but somehow hearing these words, writing these sentences, seems to be my therapy.
and i wish it didn't have to be.
but somehow, this is where i am.

i used to be a little girl who saw myself with everything in the world. now i'm grown up and have everything in the world. the difference? i saw it then. what a mistake i'm living.
the ones we love the most end up hurting us the most.
and why? i'm not quite sure.
but i wish i could figure this out, and stop it. because being hurt by someone you like, hurts. but being hurt by someone you love more than anything, seems to shatter me into pieces that i can't seem to put back together.
"no, you'll make me really upset if you take her away from me." tears followed those words. i hope i never have to say them again.

but now, no one is taking her away from me.
she's taking herself away from me, and that... hurts so much more.

 helplessness comes at the wrong times.

i'm trying to feel something that's not there. all i can do is close my eyes and search and search for something nonexistent. it brings me to emptiness and a frightening quiet that i can't control. it's like i'm fighting a battle...only it's against myself so i can't win. the paralyzing truth is staring at me and taking the emotion right out of me. not to shut the world out in any way, but to feel away from myself for only a moment. a moment to feel wonderous and free, away from the chains of my mind. here is where i land, unable to express the thoughts that fill my mind so actively.

i feel happiness all around me. but my breaths aren't being taken as often.

if only you know just how fragile i was.

when the power of love exceeds the love for power, the world will finally, finally know peace.

the only thing that's ever been consistent in my life is god. how could i not fall in love with that?

i have a love for life, a thirst for excitement and fulfillment. i don't want to slip away and the my mistakes to be the last thing you remember. mistakes are expected, and forgiven. but i want to be remembered by my heart and soul. i want you to know me as someone who could change the world. who helped you. who had character and personality. who made you laugh. who was unlike others.

i don't want to sound morbid, but i want to be ready for my funeral.

not that i will ever be 'ready' to die (i don't think) but i want to know that if i die tomorrow, i have lived a life that i can be happy with.

have you ever heard me scream i love you? here i go...

sometimes it feels like i'm living with a hole in my heart and no one even knows.
and sometimes that's all you need, is someone to fill that gap.
but how... when no one knows?

i don't know if i have the strength to open up that much.
it's kind of like a vicious cycle that i can't undo.

i push people away, and i don't even realize it. i have the courage to feel, and i'll always have my feelings. and i'm glad I feel everything so deeply. otherwise, i wouldn't know where to turn. my emotions keep me sane. but when will i have the power to pull people in?

sometimes, i just like to feel like i belong to something.

maybe i'll discover more about the world and this life, more than i see now. i believe i already see more than most people, so seeing it from a different perspective, will put my mind even more at ease.

i guess it does kind of upset me that this post sounds so depressing. and i guess i'm just getting my negative emotions out, because they're easier to write about. but truthfully, my life really is going well. i'm trying to enjoy it, and the nice thing is: i don't even have to try.

happy birthday dad.
goodnight.
lovelovelove.

-Corbin

"the lower you fall, the higher you'll fly."