i'm noticing ignorance more and more.
i often look at people and wonder who they were when they were young. how their lives have changed, and what feelings they've experienced far too much of, or not enough. it gets overwhelming, driving past their face, and watching it fade away, and knowing i will probably never meet that person, yet they could be the one to change my life forever. i start to think about things, and then, breathe heavily thinking about the people i miss that i haven't got a chance to meet yet. i wonder to myself, how can i miss someone i've never met? then i tell myself it's not possible. and then...i start to get really sad thinking about who i want in my life so badly, but don't have. it all happens too quickly for me to notice sometimes.
i remember being a child. i remember everything about it. i still can bring myself to feeling that exact feeling. imagination was found in the simplest places and everywhere i looked. happiness didn't come to me for a certain reason, it was just there. if i could, i would break the hands of all clocks, making time stop, or even slow down. i want to stay in certain moments forever. and they pass so quickly; and i wonder, how i didn't appreciate it so much then. i guess life works that way. it's unfortunate.
i have memories that come rushing back to me, and i shake, i find myself broken. because as much as i appreciate them, i would do anything to go back.
Amazing how life turns out the way that it does
We end up hurting the worst, the only ones we really love
i keep these letters so i remember how life can be so short when you're left alone to wonder how it is, someone opens and shuts the door.
why is this?
i find this pointless, and endless, and unfair. and honestly, i don't know how comfortable i am with talking about it.
i'm trying to let go of my fear. because love is empty with fear and worry. i just want to live through and with love. but wishes don't fix my eyes. or heart.
i would do anything to be in a car right now, despite the darkness that i love so much, traveling far away with just the right music. silence. and the air in my lungs. anything.
-i hope you don't hurt like you did.
this time comes slowly, i put my feet in the water.
will i watch you die?
i just want to speak love into their lives.
i may not know how to get there,
but i know about love.
and how i never want to see you give up.
it hurts me to watch you cry.
when the time comes, i release myself from this
the road is cut short
is it over now?
i want to be your last i love you.
i love too deeply, that i seem to get hurt more vulnerably.
it's hard to want to take someone's pain so bad. you would gladly take it all, plus more, so they didn't have to go through any of it. it's hard to watch them hurt themselves, literally, and feel so helpless, with no explanation. i'm an explanation kind of person. i usually know why someone is the way they are, and have an idea of how i can help them. not this time. now, i'm so completely lost. and if i feel so lost, i can only imagine how they feel.
i saw something the other day, "HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT, JUST MAYBE, YOUR THOUGHTS AREN'T AS CRAZY AS YOU THINK?" Or something like that. the truth is, no i haven't. i've always thought my thoughts are so much different than other peoples. but i'm starting to see that they're not. i'm starting to see people feel the same things i do, and have gone through similar things. it's kind of reassuring. but...i still know, i think in a different way than most people and am so glad for that. it took me a while to get here, but i'm here.
there's something dancing here in the shadows and i wish it were us.
i sometimes wish for not only one more soul to love me, but for me to love one more soul. and i feel like, that would make all the imperfect things fade away, and it would become perfect in it's own imperfect way.
i live for evenings and nighttime. i truly do.
two nights ago, i had dreams all night long about my father. they were the realest dreams i have ever had, and a part of me thinks they were sort of real. i can't explain it but i've not been able to get it out of my head. it wasn't just my brains interpretation of him, it was my FATHER's presence in my dream. i know it. and it kind of gave me a sense of comfort to "see" him again. i'm sorry if i sound crazy to you. and if i do, let me tell you dear reader...the world is filled with crazy people, and i would bet, you are one of those crazy people in your own way.
i feel as if something is pulling me down, and away from myself. i wish i knew. it's like something is calling me a certain direction, and i keep turning away, but i don't know how to turn the other direction. it's confusing, and tragic, and unchangeable, and beautiful.
listening for voices, but it's the choices that make us who we are. you've been misguided, hiding in shadows for so very long.
there's a correlation between life and death, two opposites that are merily the same. they push us and pull us and determine everything we are, and we have absolutely no control over both. it spins my head in a million directions and makes me appreciate the things i am able to choose.
i refuse...to live a normal life. you will see.
i try to smile at most people. i feel bad for those who i forget to smile at. not that my smile makes everyone's day shine, but i think i have the opportunity to make someone's a little brighter. i don't want to miss anyone, because i can't know who needs it the most by looking. well, sometimes you can.
those who live their lives with the most hatred are looking for the most love.
it's kind of sad.
i used to love you.
you are my everything.
lovelovelove.
forever.
goodnight.
