as the moon fades,

You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be.

I know that I think a lot, and maybe I shouldn't overanalyze everything so much. It's just like it's beyond me. Sometimes I wonder if someone out there thinks the same things I do or in a similiar way. But I guess I will never know the answer to that, because it's pretty impossible to describe such thoughts.

I have said this in a previous post, and I want to say it again. We really do accept the love we think we deserve. It's just human nature, and as much as you try to make it something positive, I think we usually do accept less than we deserve. We shouldn't settle for love that we don't want. What I mean by that is, everyone wants love. Sometimes when we don't get a lot of love, we will accept the first little bit of love (or what we think is love) that comes our way and think that's what it should feel like to be truly loved. But there's so much more, so we shouldn't settle for less. This makes sense in my mind, so right now I'm wondering if it will make sense in yours; I know my thoughts are different than some peoples. Which is fine.

I'm seventeen now, and I have to say that I like it. It's just strange. This growing up thing, I don't feel pressured to be mature anymore. I just feel like I am. In some ways. I'll always be that goofy, child-like person. Always. I've come to that realization. But I feel mature in a different kind of way, like I'm not trying to be anyone else. I don't want to admit that, but it's true.

I feel like sleeping for a thousand years right now, just not existing for a bit. I don't mean to sound so morbid, because I don't mean it in that way. If you've ever felt like this, you know exactly what I mean, and I suspect you do.

I know some may think I'm delusional, but I can assure you that I can do the things I say I will do. I don't want to be conceited or sound like I think I'm overly great, because to be honest, I don't. I know that I'm just a girl who has the same power as anyone else. I don't believe when people say I'm amazing. I just say thank you and accept that, but never truly believe it. BUT I really do KNOW that I'm going to do great things. Do you know what it's like to KNOW something with everything in you? If not, I wish that for you. By "great things" I do not know exactly what things I'm talking about. I will tell you once I accomplish them. I believe in myself more than ever, and that comes from God. He's given me this wonderful opportunity to make a difference in some way. I wish I knew that now, but I will find out my purpose.

I want to say to you, dear reader, that you are beautiful. & I hope you believe that.

-Are you always this sad?

-Me: No. I'm not sad at all.

-Are you always this shy?

-Me: No!

-I think you're apprehensive.

-Me: No, I'm not.

-You're not?

-Me: No, I'm just tired.

I lied ^

Have you ever just sat there and thought about life, the big picture? I've done this, and I've totally forgotten about all the little things, just thought about this earth, my memories and past. My future. It's like therapy.

love love love

xo

-corb

keep me far upon this mountain, far away from any distress,

thank you to anyone who is reading this. i appreciate when people read anything i write. and really, i don't understand why anyone would find my blog interesting. it's just me, talking about things that don't really matter or have anything to do with you. and that's why i'm even more appreciative to anyone who reads this blog. i hope you like it, i really do. xo

yesterday, was amazing. it was the best day i had in such a long time. and i'm not even sure why. nothing really happened that made it spectacular. it just was. some things are like that, there's no explanation at all, it just is.

currently listening to: save your scissors, city & colour

i have this feeling i wanted for so long, i feel   h a p p y.

and it just shows me what i'm capable of, which is even more happiness.

yesterday, i drove for a total of a couple/few hours. i don't mind. in fact, i like it. listening to music, the windows down, just driving, floating along...it's great.

i need to be heard. i've found this. i'm not the kind of person who craves attention, i'm fine being the one by herself in the back of the room sometimes. but, i do need people to listen to me. when i have something to say, i feel i have to say it. if you just listen to me, you'd see the pain i have deep inside, you'd see how much of a happy, optimistic person i really am. you'd see i'm probably one of the most caring people. that's why i want to be heard. i don't want to be thought of as a different person. i'm trying to let people get to know the real me.

"Look… I know my band isn’t big. I know I’m not an A-list celebrity… Hell, I’m not even a Z-list celebrity. I am just like all of you. I don’t have much money… but you know what? That doesn’t mean I can’t help. You don’t need money to change the world. You need spirit. You need love. Though I don’t have much, I do plan on making some sort of small donation. You don’t have to do the same but I am asking you to at least help spread the word. If you don’t want to do this for me… I understand. If you hate my band or love my band, that’s fine. But do it for Angelica Joy. Do it for her mother who just wants her precious child to be able to smile back at her."

-lead singer, the cab on his blog

--> wow, i'm convinced i want to marry this guy someday. his words inspire me so much, i comment on every single post on his blog, i hope he doesn't think i'm a stalker. it's not their band website or anything, it's his personal blog that he writes on, and it's amazing. i could learn a lot from that guy. but first, we should fall in love. ;)

looking at old pictures makes me want to smile and cry at the same time. i wouldn't be surprised if you, dear reader, have felt like this too. it's kind of universal, uncontrollable in a sense.

there goes everything i ever wanted, slowly dwindling away

sometimes i don't see myself

or remember who you were yesterday

how will we survive

to know somehow we'll always be alive

driving, not looking at the lines

the sun has been faded

100 mile signs

everything makes sense,

all inside my head

but this is where it ends.

the clouds are smiling at me

so i smile back

the sky is looking down

like there's something that it lacks.

you're that leaf that landed here

but the wind picked it up,

away from me, i fear.

i see you in my smile,

i see you in my dreams

i feel you and the inside of me screams.

cars passing by so fast

if i could blink fast enough

i'd see them moving past,

but i can't.

too much time too far away

i can't remember who i was yesterday

i walk down this empty street

i'll keep walking til i have nothing else

i'll count the stars while so discreet

i know i'm not a good poem/song writer. i know. but i enjoy the process. i just wrote this as i was writing this post. i wish i knew what all i was feeling meant. all i know, is that it means something. at least to me.

lovelovelove

somehow i can't be left in the shadows,

at the end of my life, i want to know i'm remembered. i want to know that i brought smiles to people's faces. i want to touch people's hearts. it's sort of scary to think about how much better i could be. i'm working on that. yes, i believe i'm a good person. i really do. but i could be much better. couldn't we all? right now, i really am trying to improve myself.

all i know is, i don't want to have a "normal" life. i don't want to go unknown. i want to do amazing things, and i will. i DO want a job, a house, and a family. but that's not all my life is going to consist of.

please, doubt this, and i'll prove you wrong. not specifically you, dear reader, but anyone who has doubts in me... if i don't doubt myself, there's no way i can fail.

if SOMEHOW, or someway, i can touch just ONE person, i can die happy. if i can look back and know that i helped someone, then i'll know that just maybe somewhere long this long road called life, i did something at least a bit right.

currently listening to: we did this to myself, the apathy eulogy

i'm hoping to attend a concert or two sometime soon. at least within the next couple of months.

this summer is going to be amazing, i can feel it. i can't believe that it's my last summer of high school. i just realized that, and i was shocked. i didn't think it would go by so fast. i never really pictured myself being 17. under the age of...oh, about 15...i never understood the expression "it feels like it was just yesterday".

but now, i do.

and it's true.

love.love.love.

believe in it, see it through my eyes,,

sometimes it's really hard for me to find myself.and that makes me sad. it shouldn't be that hard for me anymore, it shouldn't. i find myself trying to change myself. and it's not that i want to be someone different. i just want to show my full self more. i feel like i hide behind a wall that's not me. if only people could see beyond that. it'd be so different. because yes, i can be humorous (according to you), but i have a different side that's more important than that. i have opinions. i'm not closeminded. i have a side that's really caring, and sometimes that doesn't show when you have to cover up your heart.

well, i decided i don't want to do that anymore.

i don't want to have to remind myself to be ME.

some people are so wrapped up in their lives, well "lives". like at school, i see all these girls trying SO hard to make an impact on people. like they cherish how people see them more than anything. that's not me. i feel like there's so much more.

i really don't like that, because sometimes when we're around something so much, we start to feel ourselves drifting to that. i can't be like the rest. and i refuse. why would i want to constantly think/talk about who's having sex with who, and what party i'm going to this saturday? yeah, i am a normal teenager, but i have more to talk about than what some girl is wearing.

anyway, i felt like i had to say that just because i'm starting to notice that more.

i started making a list of the things i wanted to do this summer. i know i make a lot of lists. i'm not sure why.

but i guess it's a reminder to me about what i really want. and i'm a very determined person. lists just kind of show me what i want and what i have to do to make myself happy. not that i need to accomplish everything on a list to be happy. that's not what i'm saying either. but writing my goals down, it helps inspire me and show what i really want. i guess that' s important.

10 steps to self-improvement:

1. constantly remind the people i love that i love them

2. bad influences

 3. keep a smile

4. be more wellspoken

5. don't push myself too much. but also, push myself more when needed

6. don't get upset about any 5 minute/hour problems

7. find something/someone who inspires me to be better every day

8. remind myself what's important

9. say what's on my mind, without being rude

10. show kindness to others and do what's necessary to help (within reason of course)

i think sometimes we shouldn't be distrusting and shut everyone away, but we need to be on guard of who we can't trust. we shouldn't be nonbelieving and paranoid, but we shouldn't be gullable either. those two extremes really hurt me sometimes...

you won't believe me or see it, but i feel so unbelievably different today. and i feel it's permanent.

last night i dreamt i was outside in my driveway and it was POURING rain. i was playing it it and the happiest i had ever been. that brings tears to my eyes because the feeling was amazing. i was so grateful in that dream. it was perfect. yet so simple.

Leave it here,

I know that you've been running, dear,

I've been thinking, we'd stay here,

Don't you worry about a thing,

'Cause I'll be here, yeah, I'll be here,

And I'll be waiting for you

So sorry about all of the times,

I had to, needed to,

Believe it and see it through my eyes,

But don't you worry about it,

'Cause I am here for you,

As long as you need me to,

'Cause I am here for you,

As long as you need me to

whoever this was written about or to, i believe she's a really lucky girl. because if this was written for me, i'd melt right where i was.

 

lovelovelove.

i'm a wonder,

i know typically i put a picture first, then writing. but first, i want to say...this post is extrememly important to me. i hope you can understand.

don't forget to dream big dreams, so take a chance and sing loud, to laugh at all the silly stuff, and tuck away some memories.

sometimes the people around us can't see who we really are. why is that? even though they can’t see and refuse to see all of the good things you do and have to offer…doesn’t mean they don’t happen or exist.

i think we should all be happy. there is no excuse in the world to be miserable. if we aren’t enjoying every breath and step we take, then we are doing something terribly wrong. we don't have to deal with criticisms. we are all worth more than that. sometimes we get comfortable with the way things are going, so we feel content. but we don't truly know happiness. we can all do better. we don't have to keep climbing and not reach the top of a mountain. it doesn't have to be like that.

i'm just saying...in some way I really do hope something i say can affect someone in the slightest way. i blog for a few reasons, and i'd like you to know those, seeing as you're reading it now:

1.) I feel the constant (or almost constant) need to write. It helps satisfy that craving.

2.) I feel more expressive as I write, and sometimes I even re-read old posts i've written to help me through things. (weird? maybe a little.)

3.) like i said, i really want at least one person to read something i write and say 'hey, this makes sense, and this really helped me and inspired me'. the truth: i don't know if i'm capable of writing something that powerful, but i'm still trying. and that's my prayer about this.

greatness can be found in the strangest places. i see it all the time, and i wish i could see it more. because honestly, it exists everywhere we look. the small smiles and hopes people hold. i'm amazed. it shows me how much i really have to learn, and how much better of  a person i'm capable of being. i feel i need to hold on to the greatness i know the world has, even though i sometimes don't see it.

i am:

-someone who isn't willing to see anyone i love break down

-a girl who has been through more than ANYONE will know but i have gratitude

-a person with fears, but also with strengths i'm determined to let show

if i'm being completely honest here, i'm crying right now. and i'm not sure why. it's not sadness and it's not joy, it's infinite.

every so often, i find myself staring at a face that doesn't exist.

i wonder when i'll be able to stare into the eyes of time.

and go back to where we were.

the earth is unbalanced without you

somehow the gravity changed that day

or maybe my head was spinning

this is beyond what i can comprehend

dear reader, please know god is out there looking at you, hoping for the world for you. he needs you to make that happen. follow his path he's made for you.

love.love.love.

let's count all the ship lights..

okay. so i started feeling infinite again.
i'm getting back to myself, after a traumatizing month.

i had one person ask me what i meant by 'infinite', and what that feeling was.

for once, i found myself speechless.

it's indescribable.

i wish i could make you feel it, if you haven't.

but i can't make that happen.

only you can.

-i make way too many lists

-i love bracelets, and wearing more than one at the same time (although i don't usually do that)

-generally nice people make me so happy

-i have a lot of energy

-the outdoors is what inspires me most,

but perhaps you already knew that

-i wouldn't classify myself as 'normal',

but if you know me, you are already aware

-i could drive at night for HOURS

-i make up my own words all the time.

-i love looking at stars.

-i never mean to be rude. i'm just honest.

-i prefer the windows down opposed to air conditioning

-i'm an internet stalker. no, not really. but i love looking

at random people's pages and pictures

-i never ever stop listening to music

-i used to not have a favorite number,

but now i'm discovering 17. <3

-all you have to do to be my friend is like me.

and show me you care.

or make me laugh

-i'm not complicated. my complications come out as i speak or write

-i looove those breathtaking moments, where you literally stop breathing

for a second, and are just amazed

-i get attached too easily

if you knew just what life is about, what matters, maybe you'd know just what i was talking about

and really, i never will

xxxxxxx.

i would love to escape but now i'm bound,

and if you were to ask me right now, i'd smile and look down, unable to give an answer.

i haven't written on here in a long time, even though i've wanted to so badly. now i feel like i'm not as good at this.

i can't go back to where i was, that whole mindset that i had a month ago... everything came crashing down for me. and i needed to build it back up, and i'm still trying. i can't say that it's not going to take work. the hard part is, i'm not the one who made it all crash down. i'm really finding how fast things can change. but as much as that sounds sadistic, it can also go for positive changes too.

i'm not the type of person to hold onto things. at least i don't like to. i've found how infectious that really is for us.

it's hard to explain that i'm so happy. yet so sad underneath all of that. i never stop smiling, and being myself. i'm not always quiet. at all. i'm not coy. i'm not dull. i like to do unexpected things. some may call them weird things. but hey, i'm having fun. and i appreciate that about myself. because without that, i don't know how i'd be able to accept certain things. in some sort of way, i'm just content.

if i could be anywhere, i'd be far away. i'd be where the best scenery is. roads where there's no one else is. beautiful oceans. i want to feel that wind. i want to know things like that are possible.

i won't lose the best of me.

i know i have a divine purpose, and i don't mean to sound like i think i'm more than any of you. because the truth is, we all have such a purpose and a potential that lies beneath us. i really feel god's plans for me so vividly though. i really do. it's like a feeling i've never felt before, that i know i will hold power as much as i have none whatsoever now. what i mean by "power" is that i want to change a part of the world somehow, even if it is a small part. i want to help people in huge ways. and you know what? i feel that this will happen with my heart.

there's something deep about your eyes. could i catch a glimpse?

to whom it may concern...

dear person,

i don't know who will read this or who this is to. but whoever you are, i believe i love you. i believe somewhere deep inside i can change a part of the world, whether small or not. i also believe somewhere i can be the person i know i am. i know problems will always exist, but the dwelling upon them doesn't have to exist. tears will fall down and we will feel so broken at times. but we have to remember this everlasting cycle to get to being happy. sadness makes us appreciate happiness. and happiness lasts so much longer. even though it may seem sadness takes over the good, it really doesn't. look how much you smile compared to how much you frown or feel sadness. chances are, you smile more than you think. and we have those memories that can never be taken away. anonymous person, i would like you to know that i'm not the person who will let you down. i know how it feels. i've been broken. but now i realize the significance of life, and am so happy to be alive. i'm enjoying life more and more, learning each step of the way. i've learned to look past the negativity, because if you look at life with a quick glance you'll see it's not worth it...

love,

anonymous

p.s. tear this letter up. i'd rather you keep me in your heart and mind forever than somewhere deep inside a drawer.


"I hope you don't mind, but I shared your blog with a friend of mine..he is a huge activist, and I imagine a lot like you will be when you are older...he was blown away by you!!! You are so young, yet have so much insight...a true diamond in the rough..only, never let life make you too smooth, so to speak...you always need a few rough edges...a good guard against life's hardships...you amaze me..and the fact that you amazed him..I'm awestruck!!"

-thanks.

this is the correlation of salvation & love,

it's really late, and i've already written today. which is why i'm confused as to why i feel this strong urge to write.

i have a few more quotes to share from "the perks of being a wallflower" which have changed me in a small way.

-i just hope i remember to tell my kids that they are as happy as i look in my old photographs and i hope that they believe me

-i hope he can listen to it whenever he drives alone and feel like he belongs to something whenever he's sad

-it's kind of like when you look at yourself in the mirror and you say your name. and it gets to the point where none of it seems real. well sometimes, i can do that, but i don't need an hour in front of a mirror. it happens very fast, and things start to slip away. and i just open my eyes, and i see nothing. and then i start to breathe really hard trying to see something but can't. it doesn't happen all the time, but when it does, it scares me.

that last one, i've never felt like i could relate more. i've actually never even considered someone else felt the exact same way, and described it so perfectly.

all of these words are auspicious, to say the least.

i feel as if i'm almost a different person today. and i know you probably think i'm exaggerating, but i'm not.

i finally, finally...feel the point of life. i see everything in such a black and white way, and i love it. i feel so infinite. i see the positivity and feel the possibilities. i wish i could describe this feeling in a better way, but i can't. and i'm sorry if you haven't experienced this feeling before. but i believe you will. and if you have, i'm happy that you see life this way. it makes everything better.

in·fi·nite   /ˈɪnfənɪt/   –adjective

1.immeasurably great

2.indefinitely or exceedingly great

3.unlimited or unmeasurable in extent of space, duration of time, etc.: the infinite nature of outer space.

4.unbounded or unlimited; boundless; endless: God's infinite mercy.

the moon is the only light i can use to look at you,

Sometimes I just breathe, and I think about how life is so much more than what we know.
I'm beyond astonished with this world. I'm so helpless at times. I find comfort in what people can't explain. I find myself lost in words, lost in photographs. Remenaissing on memories, language fails. Have you ever felt so far away from yourself? Yet so closely related to what's around you?

The book I've been awaiting for, "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" is beyond my expectations.

So far I've kept track of just a few of the quotes. They really do make me feel infinite. here they are:

-so this is my life. and i want you to know i am both happy and sad and still trying to figure out how this could be

-we accept the love we think we deserve

-and i wonder if anyone is really happy. i hope they are. i really hope they are

i can relate to feeling happy and sad (and many more contradicting emotions) at the same time and not really understanding it.

i think everyone really does accept the love they think they deserve. for example, someone who doesn't feel good about themselves will accept the kind of love that really isn't love at all. but when we think we deserve the best kind of love (we all do), then we will accept that and be content. does this make any sort of sense? i hope it does. in some kind of way.

i believe my dreams will come true. which enthralls me.

i've never wanted to watch the stars and not have to be rushed to do anything more than i want to now.

there's this really cool website. it's really inspiring. it's excerpts about how people give other people hope. just amazing random acts of kindness. check it out? click here to see it!

my grandfather is one of those people who say things sometimes and he himself doesn't realize how inspiring every person can be. he said something that gives me hope today. he kept a toy of my sisters from when she was little. it's a small plastic dog (about the size of half my hand). He said he takes it to the doctor with him and gives it to kids to play with while waiting in doctor waiting rooms.
gives me so much hope.

-love

i finally know how you stand against the world,

^ my opinion: the most important thing we can do in life is let go of the things that hurt or trouble us. god does not want us to live a boring, stressful, painful life. and we ourselves don't want that either. everything always works out eventually. we just have to remember that.

when you feel as if you're broken down and alone, remember the sunshine WILL shine again. things have to be not-so-good sometimes, so we can gain strength and appreciate the good times.

also, remember...everything happens for a reason.

and circumstances are temporary.

there are too many people who would kill to see you fall.

so keep your head up high and see the positive things.

i love you all.

if you would like to talk at all about anything, please call me or email me. or even comment me on this blog. my comments are not publicly posted, only i see them.

If you live your life with an appreciation of coincidences and their meanings, you connect with the underlying field of infinite possibilities.

reflections...come unto me.

Hold on, be strong. no matter what you're going through, you know it's going to okay...today.

i've found the smallest things bring the most happiness. and i've found things always turn out okay if you believe it will. i've never had a situation end badly forever, it always gets better. and although pain exists at times, it goes away with time. time is this amazing phenomenon that our world revolves around. people rush, people are busy, our world is fully about time. something that really doesn't even exist at all. it shouldn't be about that. life isn't about how much time you have or even how long you live, it's about how much joy was in those years. when we rush things, it never turns out as good as it would if we just relax and enjoy the moment. i try to do that. i like conversations that make you feel free. the kind that you want to keep thinking about. and you walk away knowing care is there. i need more of that. i miss people. i miss having the people that made me feel like i could fall back and they would catch me. i still have them but i feel as though i'm drifting away. let me rephrase that. THEY'RE drifting away. and i don't like it. but i'm accepting it. and i'm not making a big deal of it, because i know they are wrapped up in some things, and soon they'll unwind out of it and realize what they've been missing. which is me that they will miss. i don't mean to sound conceded at all by that. but it's just that i miss them and if they love me as much as i love them, they'll miss me too. i'm a good friend. i pride myself in that because i care a lot about people. sometimes i think i care too much. but i can't change that about myself. i choose to see it as a good quality more than anything. and i feel lately as if i'm just letting things happen, and not being so controlling about everything. i have a tendency of doing that. but i'm trying to drift through things and let it all fall into place. because i realize i can't control every aspect of life. now i just have to fully accept that. i'm not perfect. very far from it. but i'm very proud of how far i've come and i'm proud of the person i've become in general. i think i'm a "good person". i have strong beliefs and am spiritual. i love god with everything in me. i have a lot of dreams. i like to help people. i am making good relationships. i'm ready for some adventure. i mean, what more could i ask for? i'm sure there are things but guess what? i'm content. and i'm happy. that's all i ask for. i have to get through things daily but it's okay. who doesn't have to? answer: nobody. some more than others, but we all basically have the same messed up things in our lives. stressful situations. but it makes us stronger. and i'm happy to say i've climbed this mountain. and i'm not going back down.
everyone hurts us eventually, and we will hurt others eventually. we just have to figure out who's worth it all and remember to forgive them and ourselves.
well, things are changing and have been changing. and as much as it scares me, i have to believe it's good change. as much as i miss people and want those memories back, i can't change this. i have to keep moving and remembering who i am and that everything happens for a reason.

goodbye for now.

remember at least someone out there loves you. and would do anything for you and to see you smile.

if you want to believe in me...

there's those intoxicating moments that you know you'll never get back. so you just feel. and take in the moment, wishing it would never go away. but deep inside, you know it will end.

i miss the small innocence of children. they are such dreamers, unaffected by the world around them. so next time someone asks me how i want to be when i grow up, i'm going to say i want to be exactly like how i was when i wasn't grown up at all. i honestly thought i could do ANYTHING. and the truth is, i can. what happened to those days?

in⋅spire [in-spahyuhr] verb, -spired, -spir⋅ing.

1.to fill with an animating, quickening, or exalting influence: His courage inspired his followers.
2.to produce or arouse (a feeling, thought, etc.): to inspire confidence in others.
3.to fill or affect with a specified feeling, thought, etc.: to inspire a person with distrust.
4.to influence or impel: Competition inspired her to greater efforts.
5.to animate, as an influence, feeling, thought, or the like, does: They were inspired by a belief in a better future.

this word has become increasingly meaningful to me. i say it daily. and i'm incorporating it into my life. i want to bring smiles and laughter, and hope to people. somehow, someway. i've always wanted to be a barrier breaker. a soul keeper. i've always wanted to be someone. i think in some way i'll always be searching for something. but for now, i'm waiting desperately to break down barriers and to prove what i'm capable of, not that it's needed.

-corbin

suddenly i understand everything i couldn't comprehend,

-There was a man holding up a sign on the side of the road that said "Everything is OK". People drove by, and he would smile and give a thumbs up. Gives me hope.

I don't want to have expectations for anyone anymore. I want to trust, but people like to let me down. Sometimes it seems just when I get to know someone and really care for them, that's when they decide to get further away from me. I've tried to make it better, but I can't be the only one trying. I have to have them care too. And right now, I don't have that. So what can I do?

I'm fading fast.

below is something i wrote two days ago, and it's not close to "good" or anything special, but it really epitomizes...well, me.

casting shadows on this water, it's getting colder
it's getting colder
you're beautiful, that's what he told her
why do we run away from who we are?
it's ironic, we're lost, so we run so far
not knowing the meaning of life,
so we choose to live this strife
we don't have to do this,
we don't have to do this
i can't say tears will never exist
and i can't promise you won't be missed
you'll be missed.
nothing makes it better so we hide
and then that's when, we can't fight the tide
it's never simple, i'm lost in it all
running away from the impossible fall
i've been through the rain
but you'd never know this pain
driving down the highway 100 miles per hour
at the time feeling all that power
but it never lasts, it never lasts.
i've stood in a storm, watching the world change around me
the cold didn't compare to how you made me feel and so i see
i look to what isn't, i look to what i can't touch
everything and everything, it all gets too much
i know there is some place i can go
i know there's so much more
i still remember the sounds of my world
and i was just a girl, just a girl
did you think i could breathe without the air you provide?
i couldn't stop fading without you by my side
and it all made sense, it all made sense
i see my life, passing through my mind
pictures flying, what happened in this time?
sometimes i wonder what this all means
i forget all you said, and i just see
no one said it would be this tough,
driving far will never be far enough
the moon stares at me, and i wonder
i don't want to be alone tonight
if only i could see this light,
but i can't, i can't see it

will i ever be whole?
a week and i still can't feel my soul
will i ever be whole?
i'll believe in love someday
though for now, i'll put on this face
i finally felt that it would all be okay
and i knew, i wouldn't feel this weight
the person i said i'd never be,
it's me.
i'm the person i thought i'd never become
still, you choose to think you won
but it's not about that, either way we lose
so this is how it is, this is what you choose

if you read this, every line, thank you.

i'm living past the hatred, it's not worth it. i'm dealing with things day by day. i'm learning more. i'm living more. life is flawed. everday there's imperfections staring at you in your face. but look through that, see past that and you'll find this inevitable life standing there calling your name. you've heard this all before. but have you believed it, and felt it? accepting pain is one of the hardest things to do, but most rewarding. ♥ i believe this. i do.

i haven't done anything today. and i feel so unproductive. yet stuck. vicious cycle.

i finally know where my heart belongs.

before you ask which way to go remember where you've been,

each day is a gift and not a given right.
leave your fears behind.

take the path less traveled by.

We don't always have second chances in life, and I like that. Even though it changes the dynamic of everything, I can appreciate that. It makes me more determined in a sense. To do things right the first time.


I love reminiscing. Just daydreaming. I love thinking about memories and my future. Why do my thoughts take me so far?
I like the feeling of summer. I can never explain what it means to me. Even thinking of it, this feeling rushes over me.

I want someone to believe in.
I want to make those memories that you can never get back. Where nothing could ever compare. <3


I guess I do try to hide pain. I love my life, I'm proud of where I am but you know, I do get hurt sometimes too. I can't promise tears will never exist, though I prefer a smile at all times :)


I'm starting to view life very differently. I can see the possibilities so clearly now. I knew they existed before, just a fog covered them, making it hard to see and hard to reach.

I've learned not to run from who I am or who I'm capable of being. It's like running from lions (which is the song I'm listening to). You can run and run, but after a while, they'll catch up to you. And then you'd wish you would have stayed still and just lived in the moment. Instead of running away from all of your issues. I like that analogy.

I like snowdays. Though I don't actually like "snow days". Meaning, I don't like days where there's a lot of snow. BUT I like not having to go to school. Make sense? I'm really getting into movie making and editing. Which I always kind of have been. But the editing process is something I like.

-I depend on lists too much.

the ocean enthralls me. so much. honestly, that's what i think about when i want to relax, or get that feeling of being infinite.

how i'm feeling: realizing a lot of things, rested, prepared, excited, nervous.

--> it's good after all.

"take a second to set things straight, and you'll be safe from the world around you. dedication takes a lifetime. but dreams only last for a night."

what's for sure: i'm not like the rest. i'm aware of this. and proud to say it...

goodnight. ♥

everything seems to fall into place somehow,

These are some of my favorite pictures I have on my computer, and they really inspire me. So I put this together and set it as my background. These things are the things I try to base my life off of, and are constant reminders of who I am and how I want to live my life.

This week has been sort of hazy, if that makes any sense. I've been searching for answers, and sometimes they aren't always there. Or always right in front of my face. But sometimes we have to look closely to see closure and for the things we need. They can't always be obvious and right in front of your face, it defeats the purpose of life. Challenges are what make life meaningful.

Understood?

I thought I could drive around for hours just listening to music and thinking. But today I couldn't. It was almost too much. Like I just wanted to avoid the empty thoughts that come my way when I drive. I guess it's because it's the only time I have that's actually silent. And that I have complete control of. Maybe that's why I like it. I'm a control freak to a certain extent...and perhaps that feeling comforts me in a sense. But why is it the saddest thoughts seem to come at that time?

I've come to the conclusion that life is good no matter what. And no one could ever talk me out of believing that. Look down upon me, and I'll keep looking up. Try to stomp over me and I'll run faster than you've ever seen me run. Your cruelness no longer works on me, it accelerates me.

:)

My favorite words: INSPIRE. INFINITE. THRILL. AMAZE. HOPE.

those trulyyyy make me feel the way i'd like to feel. yes.

-i hope you find yourself in my arms

Those vacant parking lots, they touch the ocean view.

Life is this amazing thing that no one can explain in words... sometimes I get lost in that beauty.

The worry, the strain, it's not worth it, it's wasteful. When we could be happy. There's no point in contemplating too much about something when everything always will be okay. In some way. It will.

Our options and possibilities are endless.

Wherever I go in this life, whatever I may accomplish, I just want to sparkle. I want everything to shine around me.

Currently listening to: Designer skyline, Owl City

I love ocean coasts, & small but real and meaningful smiles. I love the sky. And how it can change so much, and still be just as beautiful. I love seeing the big picture. I love the saying "the end does not justify the means". I guess you could interpret in whatever way you'd like. I see it as, you can get to the point you want to be at, no matter how you got there or whatever got in your way. Our past doesn't determine our future.

I love airports.

I love storms.

I love pictures.

I love windows.

I love waves.

I love real laughter,

where you can't stop even if you try.

I love balconies.

I love surprises.

I love art galleries.

I love lists.

I love the word infinite.

I love crying,

not the sadness of why i'm crying,

but the feeling of letting go.

Road trip? I would love to have you as of now. Seeing the scenery would make me melt right away. Travel calls my name. I'll make a hobbie of it someday.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm dreaming, or in a state of a daze. Like I'm not even there. Like I'm just sort of floating along, not really in control of my movements. And I'm just living, so abruptly. Just feeling. Just giving and receiving the same contentment. A state of nirvana..

love is nothing, yet everything.

this is where we begin to see the light,

I don't know what to do with myself. So I guess I'll blog.

Things I want to do this week:
-listen to music, think and do nothing else for an hour straight
-watch an old movie (by old i mean 80's)
-write a song because i haven't in far too long
-hang out with someone and just talk about things i need to get out there
-drive around aimlessly

so simple. i'm in the kind of mood where i just want a different kind of week. i'm taking things a day, a week at a time. small steps.

I've had strange revelations. And nothing short of that. I'm not afraid. I'm intrigued. Happy. Stunned. Saddened. How can I get passed this?

I am burning the letters of days gone by,

some people are determined to be undetermined. how can they live such a life,?

that is what i would like to know.

independence is great, and though i've been given some i feel as if i need more.

everything is different after a while. it all changes eventually. perhaps that's good in some cases. yeah, it could be. or it could be not so good. hmm if i'm not making much sense now i apologize.

have you ever felt like you're just not good enough for some people? like no matter what you do it will never be accepted by them? i spent too much time trying to become who they wanted me to be, too much time trying to show them who i was. and too much time worrying about my every move because i didn't feel supported. i'm done with that. i'm being myself...i'm not looking for acceptance in any way. sure, that would be awesome but we don't always get it. i can't apologize for trying to do what's right.

currently listening to: we did this to myself by the apathy eulogy

so this is who i am. i'm someone who is kind, and has a lot of dreams. i believe there's good in everyone. sometimes i say things at the wrong time and place. i'm straightforward. i don't hold grudges. i'm spiritual. i'm not caught up in drama. not worth it. i like nature. i love philosophy. i do want children. i'm not afraid of risky things, it enthralls me. like skydiving, i'd like to try that. i like to have fun. weird things amaze me. the smallest things matter truly. i like conversations. laughter is something i hold dear to my heart. everything falls into place eventually, it's my motto. acoustic music is my favorite music, though i like every kind. i find comfort in aimlessly driving.

so that's me. hate me/love me. choose. i can't make the decision for you. and i can't guarantee i'll care which you choose. i'd recomment loving me :) because i'm not who you think i am and i have a lot of love to give!

windows and rooms that i'm passing through, probably one of my most important posts.

On this summer night, we'll forget everything and everyone. We'll look at the sky like we're one of the stars. And even when our world is crashing down around us, we'll have each other.

I'm listening to country music. It has the ability to make me cry. Sometimes God sends me messages in the most wonderful, touching ways. I'll be looking for an answer, and there it will be right in front of my face. Wow. I don't even have to search. I'm so lucky to know Him.

I am having problems with where I live. But... Where we live is temporary. This is just a stop to where I'm going. But I'm not afraid because I know...this is my temporary home. And I have God. So I can't fear. Nothing anyone can say or do can take your joy if you don't let it. This place is here for lessons. Here for a place to stay. But it doesn't compare to where we will be after this life.

I'm looking for my place in this world. I've learned to just be happy, and not to let life slip away from me. I'm sure there were plenty of moments I felt sad that I could've been feeling happy. I believe we can't be happy all the time. We need those low moments too. I'm learning to look past the negativity.

I love those people who make you generally smile. Relationships are hard to keep up with. But worth it. Every person I know has different needs and personalities, so it is frustrating at times. I love the people I choose to be surrounded by though. I really do.

I want someone to say this to me: "It doesn't matter what you've done, I still love you. It doesn't matter where you've been, you can still come home." UNCONDITIONAL love is the kind of love I'm trying to give away.

This world is beautiful. Astonishing. I get this feeling of feeling INFINITE and the world is mine. I find the true meaning of life. Yes, life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you deal with it.

challenges are what make life interesting;

overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.

I've faced so many things, and I've gotten through. I've grown. I never dreamed of a lot of things I've faced. I'm moving on. God, please take everything away that can harm me. Let it only accelerate me. I don't want to have my years pass by and know that I haven't been happy. I'm changing everything. I'm going to live this life with ease.

everybody needs inspiration, beautiful melody when the nights are long.

I'm coming to many realizations. Mainly just about life. I've learned so much the past few months, and grown in so many ways. There is no guarantee that life is easy. But there is a guarantee that we can always make it better by just having hope. When the waves are flooding the shore and I can't find my way home, that's when the lessons I need are learned. That's when the clouds become clearer, and I become more thankful for that moment. I finally realize why people go through pain. I have no doubts anymore. How amazing it is to not mourn for the past and just live in the moment. Just feel. Just to look to the future in a way I can hope for, it's all worth it. I've reached this point in my life where things are starting to make sense. I can't tell you how thankful I am for this.

I am really mesmerized by the ocean. It's a fascination. Maybe close to an obsession.

i love this.

wherever you are in this world, come back to me,

Recently I've found myself thinking so deeply about everything. I used to always over-analyze everything.
This time, though, I'm not doing that. I'm just trying to live. And just feel.
Don't you think it's significant, the impact that people have on our lives? It's an impact that can last forever. The smallest, most inconsequential things that seem to mean nothing at the time could make a world of difference.
I love that.
Even though sometimes it's sad, sometimes it's hard to come by, I love those moments.

If you asked me right this moment..."How do you feel?" I wouldn't be able to answer your question. I'm not sure. This most likely will make no sense, but sometimes I wonder why or how sadness brings a sense of happiness. Sort of an oxymoron. It does though. And I'm not sure why I feel this. Sometimes it's difficult to explain anything at all in my world. I've come to the conclusion that everything has an explanation, but not everyone is willing to search for that answer. And not everyone is capable of seeing it. I myself have some things to get by soon, and some things are changing for the better. This I'm sure of.

Don't forget to remember me.

love, always.

all you have to do is stop thinking about things, let things happen.

I'm a fan of anything beautiful, including photography and art. Including this world, including the beautiful people our world holds. I believe there's more to life than what we know now.

I am glad last week has ended, and a new one is about to start. Last week was really hard for me. I was going through a lot of emotions and I can't say I had a smile through it all. Which is fine. I don't think anyone should FORCE themselves to be happy all the time. Sometimes we just have to accept how we're feeling and deal with the emotions we have at that time. Then later, we can work on how to fix it. Then we can be happy again!

I want to give motivational speeches in this lifetime. Much later in my life, obviously. I love helping people through things, I believe inspiration is all we need sometimes. I will do this.

I don't know how to take people drifting away from me. I get attached to people I love too much. Is it possible to care too much? Sometimes I think it is. I can't just watch them getting further away from me. Don't say we are going to be friends forever and tell me how much you care about me if you're actions are going to show otherwise. Seriously, actions speak louder than words. Always.

Lately I've been so oddly reserved. That's so not me. It sort of scares me. Change doesn't scare me, the fact that I'm becoming someone new does. I would love for some of the things in my life and some things about myself to change (who wouldn't?), but when I'm starting to become a different person that I don't want to be...that's a problem with me. Maybe it's just a phase of my life I have to get by...

when i lose you,

i lose every part of me

the truth of our being will shine through

and you'll see

i'm nothing without you.

just to close my eyes and breathe in the air. how amazing. to know god has everything planned out for me, to know he is changing the negative aspects of my life, and showing me all of the positive. i just have to believe that and focus on that. and my life is going to get back on track.

suddenly i understand everything i couldn't comprehend,

Maybe I do expect too much out of people. You're going to see a lot of random sentences/thoughts in this post. My life has been turning in circles this week, and I'm just ready for it to end. Let me just say: I love miraculous people who make our world better. The smallest things make the biggest difference in my eyes. I really want a rainy day. You don't see that in winter like you do in spring. I care a lot about the people in my life. I get attached to people easily. I'm not sure why. I do though. I find myself missing my friends when I'm not with them lately. If you knew how I am, you'd find that surprising because as much as I love being with people, I get annoyed with them after awhile. But I'm thankful to have found the amazing people who I could spend every moment with and never get annoyed or bored. I want someone who knows what I'm talking about even when I don't. I want people who will wipe my tears away. I want someone who thinks like I do, and who isn't involved in the drama that I try not to face. I really need to know these kind of people exist. I find comfort in feeling protected and like I am able to take care of people, and be taken care of.
Stability in my life right now would be great.



You know what feels good telling someone?
"Im so proud of you."
I told someone that yesterday, and I was so glad I did, because after they said "thank you so much. it's been so long since someone has told me that." And that made me so happy, yet so sad. Happy because I wanted to be that person to make them feel better. But sad because everyone deserves to hear that. Especially the people who try to do the right thing so much. And who are the kind of people who make you proud to know them.

Michigan, you suck. I've been searching for the stars and they're just shy of coming out for Corbin to see.

As tough as it's been lately, I'll admit things are getting better. I sometimes wonder if it's better for myself to think about my problems in hope of my mind sorting them out, or if it's better to just not think about it and move passed. I really don't know. Bewilderment to its finest.

I have a lot of deep thoughts, my over-analyzing characteristics come out sometimes. I try to keep my philosophies about life to myself, because it just feels like no one sees the world like I do. And they don't. Because when I attempt to describe the complexity and completely astonishing life, no one really gets it. Or maybe I don't get it. Either way, we see things differently.


I've realized a lot lately, I'm growing in a lot of ways. I make mistakes daily. But I'm learning so much and getting to be the person I want to be overall. Still so much to go through and to learn. The last two days I've been too sad so tomorrow I'm going to decide to be happy.

...

i had a dream last night that i killed myself. i was even telling myself in my dream how much i loved life. i held a gun up to my head at one point.

this scares me.

no, im not really suicidal.

i looked up a dream interpretation and it said i'm feeling anger toward something i can't fix, helplessness, intense emotions.

oh lord.

take the time to let it go, step away and watch me grow.

i won't give up on my own happiness. i won't forget what i can be and how i can view life.

i really went to bed last night wanting to go on with my day the following day. i woke up happy and excited for the new things i knew i was going to experience. i thought it was good change, i figured everything would fall into place, just like it always does eventually.

i realized i was wrong as the day went on.

it seemed like everywhere i looked there were people trying to bring me down. constant stresses and problems that i couldn't take anymore. i cried a few times this day. i'm not the type to get into these moods and let these kind of things affect me. at all. but i can't promise tears will never exist. i'm not strong enough all the time.

i was soo relieved when i saw someone, and they realized something was wrong with me; when they asked, i felt as if there was no way i could hold my tears in. so i let them out. there was so many people around, but i didn't care. people's opinions don't bother me. and crying isn't a sign of weakness. things happen. people started hugging me, telling me they would be there for me, telling me how much i meant to them, just making me feel so much better. sometimes that's all we need. even people i have never talked to gave me hugs and were concerned. sometimes i forget these kind of people exist. those one of a kind, truly amazing people that i need. gives me hope. i've always said every single person holds beauty. i believe that, and i love proving that fact.

i prayed for pure happiness and optimism, and i really got that. sure, sometimes i'm going to get upset. we can't be on top all the time, right? i'm so happy and lucky that i know God the way that i do. he has helped me so much and i can never express how much i am thankful and how much i want to live for Him.

things that are important to me:

faith

promises

friendship

love

knowledge

expression

compassion

don't let me go.

why do i constantly need this validation?

why do i experience emotions on such a deep level? as if i'm feeling every single aspect of the feeling...sometimes it's all too much.

sometimes i fight myself more than anything. i over-analyze everything, this i know. i'm working on it.

summer nights, drift back to me.

love. ♥