let's count all the ship lights..

okay. so i started feeling infinite again.
i'm getting back to myself, after a traumatizing month.

i had one person ask me what i meant by 'infinite', and what that feeling was.

for once, i found myself speechless.

it's indescribable.

i wish i could make you feel it, if you haven't.

but i can't make that happen.

only you can.

-i make way too many lists

-i love bracelets, and wearing more than one at the same time (although i don't usually do that)

-generally nice people make me so happy

-i have a lot of energy

-the outdoors is what inspires me most,

but perhaps you already knew that

-i wouldn't classify myself as 'normal',

but if you know me, you are already aware

-i could drive at night for HOURS

-i make up my own words all the time.

-i love looking at stars.

-i never mean to be rude. i'm just honest.

-i prefer the windows down opposed to air conditioning

-i'm an internet stalker. no, not really. but i love looking

at random people's pages and pictures

-i never ever stop listening to music

-i used to not have a favorite number,

but now i'm discovering 17. <3

-all you have to do to be my friend is like me.

and show me you care.

or make me laugh

-i'm not complicated. my complications come out as i speak or write

-i looove those breathtaking moments, where you literally stop breathing

for a second, and are just amazed

-i get attached too easily

if you knew just what life is about, what matters, maybe you'd know just what i was talking about

and really, i never will

xxxxxxx.

i would love to escape but now i'm bound,

and if you were to ask me right now, i'd smile and look down, unable to give an answer.

i haven't written on here in a long time, even though i've wanted to so badly. now i feel like i'm not as good at this.

i can't go back to where i was, that whole mindset that i had a month ago... everything came crashing down for me. and i needed to build it back up, and i'm still trying. i can't say that it's not going to take work. the hard part is, i'm not the one who made it all crash down. i'm really finding how fast things can change. but as much as that sounds sadistic, it can also go for positive changes too.

i'm not the type of person to hold onto things. at least i don't like to. i've found how infectious that really is for us.

it's hard to explain that i'm so happy. yet so sad underneath all of that. i never stop smiling, and being myself. i'm not always quiet. at all. i'm not coy. i'm not dull. i like to do unexpected things. some may call them weird things. but hey, i'm having fun. and i appreciate that about myself. because without that, i don't know how i'd be able to accept certain things. in some sort of way, i'm just content.

if i could be anywhere, i'd be far away. i'd be where the best scenery is. roads where there's no one else is. beautiful oceans. i want to feel that wind. i want to know things like that are possible.

i won't lose the best of me.

i know i have a divine purpose, and i don't mean to sound like i think i'm more than any of you. because the truth is, we all have such a purpose and a potential that lies beneath us. i really feel god's plans for me so vividly though. i really do. it's like a feeling i've never felt before, that i know i will hold power as much as i have none whatsoever now. what i mean by "power" is that i want to change a part of the world somehow, even if it is a small part. i want to help people in huge ways. and you know what? i feel that this will happen with my heart.

there's something deep about your eyes. could i catch a glimpse?

to whom it may concern...

dear person,

i don't know who will read this or who this is to. but whoever you are, i believe i love you. i believe somewhere deep inside i can change a part of the world, whether small or not. i also believe somewhere i can be the person i know i am. i know problems will always exist, but the dwelling upon them doesn't have to exist. tears will fall down and we will feel so broken at times. but we have to remember this everlasting cycle to get to being happy. sadness makes us appreciate happiness. and happiness lasts so much longer. even though it may seem sadness takes over the good, it really doesn't. look how much you smile compared to how much you frown or feel sadness. chances are, you smile more than you think. and we have those memories that can never be taken away. anonymous person, i would like you to know that i'm not the person who will let you down. i know how it feels. i've been broken. but now i realize the significance of life, and am so happy to be alive. i'm enjoying life more and more, learning each step of the way. i've learned to look past the negativity, because if you look at life with a quick glance you'll see it's not worth it...

love,

anonymous

p.s. tear this letter up. i'd rather you keep me in your heart and mind forever than somewhere deep inside a drawer.


"I hope you don't mind, but I shared your blog with a friend of mine..he is a huge activist, and I imagine a lot like you will be when you are older...he was blown away by you!!! You are so young, yet have so much insight...a true diamond in the rough..only, never let life make you too smooth, so to speak...you always need a few rough edges...a good guard against life's hardships...you amaze me..and the fact that you amazed him..I'm awestruck!!"

-thanks.

this is the correlation of salvation & love,

it's really late, and i've already written today. which is why i'm confused as to why i feel this strong urge to write.

i have a few more quotes to share from "the perks of being a wallflower" which have changed me in a small way.

-i just hope i remember to tell my kids that they are as happy as i look in my old photographs and i hope that they believe me

-i hope he can listen to it whenever he drives alone and feel like he belongs to something whenever he's sad

-it's kind of like when you look at yourself in the mirror and you say your name. and it gets to the point where none of it seems real. well sometimes, i can do that, but i don't need an hour in front of a mirror. it happens very fast, and things start to slip away. and i just open my eyes, and i see nothing. and then i start to breathe really hard trying to see something but can't. it doesn't happen all the time, but when it does, it scares me.

that last one, i've never felt like i could relate more. i've actually never even considered someone else felt the exact same way, and described it so perfectly.

all of these words are auspicious, to say the least.

i feel as if i'm almost a different person today. and i know you probably think i'm exaggerating, but i'm not.

i finally, finally...feel the point of life. i see everything in such a black and white way, and i love it. i feel so infinite. i see the positivity and feel the possibilities. i wish i could describe this feeling in a better way, but i can't. and i'm sorry if you haven't experienced this feeling before. but i believe you will. and if you have, i'm happy that you see life this way. it makes everything better.

in·fi·nite   /ˈɪnfənɪt/   –adjective

1.immeasurably great

2.indefinitely or exceedingly great

3.unlimited or unmeasurable in extent of space, duration of time, etc.: the infinite nature of outer space.

4.unbounded or unlimited; boundless; endless: God's infinite mercy.

the moon is the only light i can use to look at you,

Sometimes I just breathe, and I think about how life is so much more than what we know.
I'm beyond astonished with this world. I'm so helpless at times. I find comfort in what people can't explain. I find myself lost in words, lost in photographs. Remenaissing on memories, language fails. Have you ever felt so far away from yourself? Yet so closely related to what's around you?

The book I've been awaiting for, "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" is beyond my expectations.

So far I've kept track of just a few of the quotes. They really do make me feel infinite. here they are:

-so this is my life. and i want you to know i am both happy and sad and still trying to figure out how this could be

-we accept the love we think we deserve

-and i wonder if anyone is really happy. i hope they are. i really hope they are

i can relate to feeling happy and sad (and many more contradicting emotions) at the same time and not really understanding it.

i think everyone really does accept the love they think they deserve. for example, someone who doesn't feel good about themselves will accept the kind of love that really isn't love at all. but when we think we deserve the best kind of love (we all do), then we will accept that and be content. does this make any sort of sense? i hope it does. in some kind of way.

i believe my dreams will come true. which enthralls me.

i've never wanted to watch the stars and not have to be rushed to do anything more than i want to now.

there's this really cool website. it's really inspiring. it's excerpts about how people give other people hope. just amazing random acts of kindness. check it out? click here to see it!

my grandfather is one of those people who say things sometimes and he himself doesn't realize how inspiring every person can be. he said something that gives me hope today. he kept a toy of my sisters from when she was little. it's a small plastic dog (about the size of half my hand). He said he takes it to the doctor with him and gives it to kids to play with while waiting in doctor waiting rooms.
gives me so much hope.

-love

i finally know how you stand against the world,

^ my opinion: the most important thing we can do in life is let go of the things that hurt or trouble us. god does not want us to live a boring, stressful, painful life. and we ourselves don't want that either. everything always works out eventually. we just have to remember that.

when you feel as if you're broken down and alone, remember the sunshine WILL shine again. things have to be not-so-good sometimes, so we can gain strength and appreciate the good times.

also, remember...everything happens for a reason.

and circumstances are temporary.

there are too many people who would kill to see you fall.

so keep your head up high and see the positive things.

i love you all.

if you would like to talk at all about anything, please call me or email me. or even comment me on this blog. my comments are not publicly posted, only i see them.

If you live your life with an appreciation of coincidences and their meanings, you connect with the underlying field of infinite possibilities.

reflections...come unto me.

Hold on, be strong. no matter what you're going through, you know it's going to okay...today.

i've found the smallest things bring the most happiness. and i've found things always turn out okay if you believe it will. i've never had a situation end badly forever, it always gets better. and although pain exists at times, it goes away with time. time is this amazing phenomenon that our world revolves around. people rush, people are busy, our world is fully about time. something that really doesn't even exist at all. it shouldn't be about that. life isn't about how much time you have or even how long you live, it's about how much joy was in those years. when we rush things, it never turns out as good as it would if we just relax and enjoy the moment. i try to do that. i like conversations that make you feel free. the kind that you want to keep thinking about. and you walk away knowing care is there. i need more of that. i miss people. i miss having the people that made me feel like i could fall back and they would catch me. i still have them but i feel as though i'm drifting away. let me rephrase that. THEY'RE drifting away. and i don't like it. but i'm accepting it. and i'm not making a big deal of it, because i know they are wrapped up in some things, and soon they'll unwind out of it and realize what they've been missing. which is me that they will miss. i don't mean to sound conceded at all by that. but it's just that i miss them and if they love me as much as i love them, they'll miss me too. i'm a good friend. i pride myself in that because i care a lot about people. sometimes i think i care too much. but i can't change that about myself. i choose to see it as a good quality more than anything. and i feel lately as if i'm just letting things happen, and not being so controlling about everything. i have a tendency of doing that. but i'm trying to drift through things and let it all fall into place. because i realize i can't control every aspect of life. now i just have to fully accept that. i'm not perfect. very far from it. but i'm very proud of how far i've come and i'm proud of the person i've become in general. i think i'm a "good person". i have strong beliefs and am spiritual. i love god with everything in me. i have a lot of dreams. i like to help people. i am making good relationships. i'm ready for some adventure. i mean, what more could i ask for? i'm sure there are things but guess what? i'm content. and i'm happy. that's all i ask for. i have to get through things daily but it's okay. who doesn't have to? answer: nobody. some more than others, but we all basically have the same messed up things in our lives. stressful situations. but it makes us stronger. and i'm happy to say i've climbed this mountain. and i'm not going back down.
everyone hurts us eventually, and we will hurt others eventually. we just have to figure out who's worth it all and remember to forgive them and ourselves.
well, things are changing and have been changing. and as much as it scares me, i have to believe it's good change. as much as i miss people and want those memories back, i can't change this. i have to keep moving and remembering who i am and that everything happens for a reason.

goodbye for now.

remember at least someone out there loves you. and would do anything for you and to see you smile.

if you want to believe in me...

there's those intoxicating moments that you know you'll never get back. so you just feel. and take in the moment, wishing it would never go away. but deep inside, you know it will end.

i miss the small innocence of children. they are such dreamers, unaffected by the world around them. so next time someone asks me how i want to be when i grow up, i'm going to say i want to be exactly like how i was when i wasn't grown up at all. i honestly thought i could do ANYTHING. and the truth is, i can. what happened to those days?

in⋅spire [in-spahyuhr] verb, -spired, -spir⋅ing.

1.to fill with an animating, quickening, or exalting influence: His courage inspired his followers.
2.to produce or arouse (a feeling, thought, etc.): to inspire confidence in others.
3.to fill or affect with a specified feeling, thought, etc.: to inspire a person with distrust.
4.to influence or impel: Competition inspired her to greater efforts.
5.to animate, as an influence, feeling, thought, or the like, does: They were inspired by a belief in a better future.

this word has become increasingly meaningful to me. i say it daily. and i'm incorporating it into my life. i want to bring smiles and laughter, and hope to people. somehow, someway. i've always wanted to be a barrier breaker. a soul keeper. i've always wanted to be someone. i think in some way i'll always be searching for something. but for now, i'm waiting desperately to break down barriers and to prove what i'm capable of, not that it's needed.

-corbin

suddenly i understand everything i couldn't comprehend,

-There was a man holding up a sign on the side of the road that said "Everything is OK". People drove by, and he would smile and give a thumbs up. Gives me hope.

I don't want to have expectations for anyone anymore. I want to trust, but people like to let me down. Sometimes it seems just when I get to know someone and really care for them, that's when they decide to get further away from me. I've tried to make it better, but I can't be the only one trying. I have to have them care too. And right now, I don't have that. So what can I do?

I'm fading fast.

below is something i wrote two days ago, and it's not close to "good" or anything special, but it really epitomizes...well, me.

casting shadows on this water, it's getting colder
it's getting colder
you're beautiful, that's what he told her
why do we run away from who we are?
it's ironic, we're lost, so we run so far
not knowing the meaning of life,
so we choose to live this strife
we don't have to do this,
we don't have to do this
i can't say tears will never exist
and i can't promise you won't be missed
you'll be missed.
nothing makes it better so we hide
and then that's when, we can't fight the tide
it's never simple, i'm lost in it all
running away from the impossible fall
i've been through the rain
but you'd never know this pain
driving down the highway 100 miles per hour
at the time feeling all that power
but it never lasts, it never lasts.
i've stood in a storm, watching the world change around me
the cold didn't compare to how you made me feel and so i see
i look to what isn't, i look to what i can't touch
everything and everything, it all gets too much
i know there is some place i can go
i know there's so much more
i still remember the sounds of my world
and i was just a girl, just a girl
did you think i could breathe without the air you provide?
i couldn't stop fading without you by my side
and it all made sense, it all made sense
i see my life, passing through my mind
pictures flying, what happened in this time?
sometimes i wonder what this all means
i forget all you said, and i just see
no one said it would be this tough,
driving far will never be far enough
the moon stares at me, and i wonder
i don't want to be alone tonight
if only i could see this light,
but i can't, i can't see it

will i ever be whole?
a week and i still can't feel my soul
will i ever be whole?
i'll believe in love someday
though for now, i'll put on this face
i finally felt that it would all be okay
and i knew, i wouldn't feel this weight
the person i said i'd never be,
it's me.
i'm the person i thought i'd never become
still, you choose to think you won
but it's not about that, either way we lose
so this is how it is, this is what you choose

if you read this, every line, thank you.

i'm living past the hatred, it's not worth it. i'm dealing with things day by day. i'm learning more. i'm living more. life is flawed. everday there's imperfections staring at you in your face. but look through that, see past that and you'll find this inevitable life standing there calling your name. you've heard this all before. but have you believed it, and felt it? accepting pain is one of the hardest things to do, but most rewarding. ♥ i believe this. i do.

i haven't done anything today. and i feel so unproductive. yet stuck. vicious cycle.

i finally know where my heart belongs.

before you ask which way to go remember where you've been,

each day is a gift and not a given right.
leave your fears behind.

take the path less traveled by.

We don't always have second chances in life, and I like that. Even though it changes the dynamic of everything, I can appreciate that. It makes me more determined in a sense. To do things right the first time.


I love reminiscing. Just daydreaming. I love thinking about memories and my future. Why do my thoughts take me so far?
I like the feeling of summer. I can never explain what it means to me. Even thinking of it, this feeling rushes over me.

I want someone to believe in.
I want to make those memories that you can never get back. Where nothing could ever compare. <3


I guess I do try to hide pain. I love my life, I'm proud of where I am but you know, I do get hurt sometimes too. I can't promise tears will never exist, though I prefer a smile at all times :)


I'm starting to view life very differently. I can see the possibilities so clearly now. I knew they existed before, just a fog covered them, making it hard to see and hard to reach.

I've learned not to run from who I am or who I'm capable of being. It's like running from lions (which is the song I'm listening to). You can run and run, but after a while, they'll catch up to you. And then you'd wish you would have stayed still and just lived in the moment. Instead of running away from all of your issues. I like that analogy.

I like snowdays. Though I don't actually like "snow days". Meaning, I don't like days where there's a lot of snow. BUT I like not having to go to school. Make sense? I'm really getting into movie making and editing. Which I always kind of have been. But the editing process is something I like.

-I depend on lists too much.

the ocean enthralls me. so much. honestly, that's what i think about when i want to relax, or get that feeling of being infinite.

how i'm feeling: realizing a lot of things, rested, prepared, excited, nervous.

--> it's good after all.

"take a second to set things straight, and you'll be safe from the world around you. dedication takes a lifetime. but dreams only last for a night."

what's for sure: i'm not like the rest. i'm aware of this. and proud to say it...

goodnight. ♥

everything seems to fall into place somehow,

These are some of my favorite pictures I have on my computer, and they really inspire me. So I put this together and set it as my background. These things are the things I try to base my life off of, and are constant reminders of who I am and how I want to live my life.

This week has been sort of hazy, if that makes any sense. I've been searching for answers, and sometimes they aren't always there. Or always right in front of my face. But sometimes we have to look closely to see closure and for the things we need. They can't always be obvious and right in front of your face, it defeats the purpose of life. Challenges are what make life meaningful.

Understood?

I thought I could drive around for hours just listening to music and thinking. But today I couldn't. It was almost too much. Like I just wanted to avoid the empty thoughts that come my way when I drive. I guess it's because it's the only time I have that's actually silent. And that I have complete control of. Maybe that's why I like it. I'm a control freak to a certain extent...and perhaps that feeling comforts me in a sense. But why is it the saddest thoughts seem to come at that time?

I've come to the conclusion that life is good no matter what. And no one could ever talk me out of believing that. Look down upon me, and I'll keep looking up. Try to stomp over me and I'll run faster than you've ever seen me run. Your cruelness no longer works on me, it accelerates me.

:)

My favorite words: INSPIRE. INFINITE. THRILL. AMAZE. HOPE.

those trulyyyy make me feel the way i'd like to feel. yes.

-i hope you find yourself in my arms

Those vacant parking lots, they touch the ocean view.

Life is this amazing thing that no one can explain in words... sometimes I get lost in that beauty.

The worry, the strain, it's not worth it, it's wasteful. When we could be happy. There's no point in contemplating too much about something when everything always will be okay. In some way. It will.

Our options and possibilities are endless.

Wherever I go in this life, whatever I may accomplish, I just want to sparkle. I want everything to shine around me.

Currently listening to: Designer skyline, Owl City

I love ocean coasts, & small but real and meaningful smiles. I love the sky. And how it can change so much, and still be just as beautiful. I love seeing the big picture. I love the saying "the end does not justify the means". I guess you could interpret in whatever way you'd like. I see it as, you can get to the point you want to be at, no matter how you got there or whatever got in your way. Our past doesn't determine our future.

I love airports.

I love storms.

I love pictures.

I love windows.

I love waves.

I love real laughter,

where you can't stop even if you try.

I love balconies.

I love surprises.

I love art galleries.

I love lists.

I love the word infinite.

I love crying,

not the sadness of why i'm crying,

but the feeling of letting go.

Road trip? I would love to have you as of now. Seeing the scenery would make me melt right away. Travel calls my name. I'll make a hobbie of it someday.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm dreaming, or in a state of a daze. Like I'm not even there. Like I'm just sort of floating along, not really in control of my movements. And I'm just living, so abruptly. Just feeling. Just giving and receiving the same contentment. A state of nirvana..

love is nothing, yet everything.

this is where we begin to see the light,

I don't know what to do with myself. So I guess I'll blog.

Things I want to do this week:
-listen to music, think and do nothing else for an hour straight
-watch an old movie (by old i mean 80's)
-write a song because i haven't in far too long
-hang out with someone and just talk about things i need to get out there
-drive around aimlessly

so simple. i'm in the kind of mood where i just want a different kind of week. i'm taking things a day, a week at a time. small steps.

I've had strange revelations. And nothing short of that. I'm not afraid. I'm intrigued. Happy. Stunned. Saddened. How can I get passed this?

I am burning the letters of days gone by,

some people are determined to be undetermined. how can they live such a life,?

that is what i would like to know.

independence is great, and though i've been given some i feel as if i need more.

everything is different after a while. it all changes eventually. perhaps that's good in some cases. yeah, it could be. or it could be not so good. hmm if i'm not making much sense now i apologize.

have you ever felt like you're just not good enough for some people? like no matter what you do it will never be accepted by them? i spent too much time trying to become who they wanted me to be, too much time trying to show them who i was. and too much time worrying about my every move because i didn't feel supported. i'm done with that. i'm being myself...i'm not looking for acceptance in any way. sure, that would be awesome but we don't always get it. i can't apologize for trying to do what's right.

currently listening to: we did this to myself by the apathy eulogy

so this is who i am. i'm someone who is kind, and has a lot of dreams. i believe there's good in everyone. sometimes i say things at the wrong time and place. i'm straightforward. i don't hold grudges. i'm spiritual. i'm not caught up in drama. not worth it. i like nature. i love philosophy. i do want children. i'm not afraid of risky things, it enthralls me. like skydiving, i'd like to try that. i like to have fun. weird things amaze me. the smallest things matter truly. i like conversations. laughter is something i hold dear to my heart. everything falls into place eventually, it's my motto. acoustic music is my favorite music, though i like every kind. i find comfort in aimlessly driving.

so that's me. hate me/love me. choose. i can't make the decision for you. and i can't guarantee i'll care which you choose. i'd recomment loving me :) because i'm not who you think i am and i have a lot of love to give!

windows and rooms that i'm passing through, probably one of my most important posts.

On this summer night, we'll forget everything and everyone. We'll look at the sky like we're one of the stars. And even when our world is crashing down around us, we'll have each other.

I'm listening to country music. It has the ability to make me cry. Sometimes God sends me messages in the most wonderful, touching ways. I'll be looking for an answer, and there it will be right in front of my face. Wow. I don't even have to search. I'm so lucky to know Him.

I am having problems with where I live. But... Where we live is temporary. This is just a stop to where I'm going. But I'm not afraid because I know...this is my temporary home. And I have God. So I can't fear. Nothing anyone can say or do can take your joy if you don't let it. This place is here for lessons. Here for a place to stay. But it doesn't compare to where we will be after this life.

I'm looking for my place in this world. I've learned to just be happy, and not to let life slip away from me. I'm sure there were plenty of moments I felt sad that I could've been feeling happy. I believe we can't be happy all the time. We need those low moments too. I'm learning to look past the negativity.

I love those people who make you generally smile. Relationships are hard to keep up with. But worth it. Every person I know has different needs and personalities, so it is frustrating at times. I love the people I choose to be surrounded by though. I really do.

I want someone to say this to me: "It doesn't matter what you've done, I still love you. It doesn't matter where you've been, you can still come home." UNCONDITIONAL love is the kind of love I'm trying to give away.

This world is beautiful. Astonishing. I get this feeling of feeling INFINITE and the world is mine. I find the true meaning of life. Yes, life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you deal with it.

challenges are what make life interesting;

overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.

I've faced so many things, and I've gotten through. I've grown. I never dreamed of a lot of things I've faced. I'm moving on. God, please take everything away that can harm me. Let it only accelerate me. I don't want to have my years pass by and know that I haven't been happy. I'm changing everything. I'm going to live this life with ease.

everybody needs inspiration, beautiful melody when the nights are long.

I'm coming to many realizations. Mainly just about life. I've learned so much the past few months, and grown in so many ways. There is no guarantee that life is easy. But there is a guarantee that we can always make it better by just having hope. When the waves are flooding the shore and I can't find my way home, that's when the lessons I need are learned. That's when the clouds become clearer, and I become more thankful for that moment. I finally realize why people go through pain. I have no doubts anymore. How amazing it is to not mourn for the past and just live in the moment. Just feel. Just to look to the future in a way I can hope for, it's all worth it. I've reached this point in my life where things are starting to make sense. I can't tell you how thankful I am for this.

I am really mesmerized by the ocean. It's a fascination. Maybe close to an obsession.

i love this.

wherever you are in this world, come back to me,

Recently I've found myself thinking so deeply about everything. I used to always over-analyze everything.
This time, though, I'm not doing that. I'm just trying to live. And just feel.
Don't you think it's significant, the impact that people have on our lives? It's an impact that can last forever. The smallest, most inconsequential things that seem to mean nothing at the time could make a world of difference.
I love that.
Even though sometimes it's sad, sometimes it's hard to come by, I love those moments.

If you asked me right this moment..."How do you feel?" I wouldn't be able to answer your question. I'm not sure. This most likely will make no sense, but sometimes I wonder why or how sadness brings a sense of happiness. Sort of an oxymoron. It does though. And I'm not sure why I feel this. Sometimes it's difficult to explain anything at all in my world. I've come to the conclusion that everything has an explanation, but not everyone is willing to search for that answer. And not everyone is capable of seeing it. I myself have some things to get by soon, and some things are changing for the better. This I'm sure of.

Don't forget to remember me.

love, always.

all you have to do is stop thinking about things, let things happen.

I'm a fan of anything beautiful, including photography and art. Including this world, including the beautiful people our world holds. I believe there's more to life than what we know now.

I am glad last week has ended, and a new one is about to start. Last week was really hard for me. I was going through a lot of emotions and I can't say I had a smile through it all. Which is fine. I don't think anyone should FORCE themselves to be happy all the time. Sometimes we just have to accept how we're feeling and deal with the emotions we have at that time. Then later, we can work on how to fix it. Then we can be happy again!

I want to give motivational speeches in this lifetime. Much later in my life, obviously. I love helping people through things, I believe inspiration is all we need sometimes. I will do this.

I don't know how to take people drifting away from me. I get attached to people I love too much. Is it possible to care too much? Sometimes I think it is. I can't just watch them getting further away from me. Don't say we are going to be friends forever and tell me how much you care about me if you're actions are going to show otherwise. Seriously, actions speak louder than words. Always.

Lately I've been so oddly reserved. That's so not me. It sort of scares me. Change doesn't scare me, the fact that I'm becoming someone new does. I would love for some of the things in my life and some things about myself to change (who wouldn't?), but when I'm starting to become a different person that I don't want to be...that's a problem with me. Maybe it's just a phase of my life I have to get by...

when i lose you,

i lose every part of me

the truth of our being will shine through

and you'll see

i'm nothing without you.

just to close my eyes and breathe in the air. how amazing. to know god has everything planned out for me, to know he is changing the negative aspects of my life, and showing me all of the positive. i just have to believe that and focus on that. and my life is going to get back on track.

suddenly i understand everything i couldn't comprehend,

Maybe I do expect too much out of people. You're going to see a lot of random sentences/thoughts in this post. My life has been turning in circles this week, and I'm just ready for it to end. Let me just say: I love miraculous people who make our world better. The smallest things make the biggest difference in my eyes. I really want a rainy day. You don't see that in winter like you do in spring. I care a lot about the people in my life. I get attached to people easily. I'm not sure why. I do though. I find myself missing my friends when I'm not with them lately. If you knew how I am, you'd find that surprising because as much as I love being with people, I get annoyed with them after awhile. But I'm thankful to have found the amazing people who I could spend every moment with and never get annoyed or bored. I want someone who knows what I'm talking about even when I don't. I want people who will wipe my tears away. I want someone who thinks like I do, and who isn't involved in the drama that I try not to face. I really need to know these kind of people exist. I find comfort in feeling protected and like I am able to take care of people, and be taken care of.
Stability in my life right now would be great.



You know what feels good telling someone?
"Im so proud of you."
I told someone that yesterday, and I was so glad I did, because after they said "thank you so much. it's been so long since someone has told me that." And that made me so happy, yet so sad. Happy because I wanted to be that person to make them feel better. But sad because everyone deserves to hear that. Especially the people who try to do the right thing so much. And who are the kind of people who make you proud to know them.

Michigan, you suck. I've been searching for the stars and they're just shy of coming out for Corbin to see.

As tough as it's been lately, I'll admit things are getting better. I sometimes wonder if it's better for myself to think about my problems in hope of my mind sorting them out, or if it's better to just not think about it and move passed. I really don't know. Bewilderment to its finest.

I have a lot of deep thoughts, my over-analyzing characteristics come out sometimes. I try to keep my philosophies about life to myself, because it just feels like no one sees the world like I do. And they don't. Because when I attempt to describe the complexity and completely astonishing life, no one really gets it. Or maybe I don't get it. Either way, we see things differently.


I've realized a lot lately, I'm growing in a lot of ways. I make mistakes daily. But I'm learning so much and getting to be the person I want to be overall. Still so much to go through and to learn. The last two days I've been too sad so tomorrow I'm going to decide to be happy.

...

i had a dream last night that i killed myself. i was even telling myself in my dream how much i loved life. i held a gun up to my head at one point.

this scares me.

no, im not really suicidal.

i looked up a dream interpretation and it said i'm feeling anger toward something i can't fix, helplessness, intense emotions.

oh lord.

take the time to let it go, step away and watch me grow.

i won't give up on my own happiness. i won't forget what i can be and how i can view life.

i really went to bed last night wanting to go on with my day the following day. i woke up happy and excited for the new things i knew i was going to experience. i thought it was good change, i figured everything would fall into place, just like it always does eventually.

i realized i was wrong as the day went on.

it seemed like everywhere i looked there were people trying to bring me down. constant stresses and problems that i couldn't take anymore. i cried a few times this day. i'm not the type to get into these moods and let these kind of things affect me. at all. but i can't promise tears will never exist. i'm not strong enough all the time.

i was soo relieved when i saw someone, and they realized something was wrong with me; when they asked, i felt as if there was no way i could hold my tears in. so i let them out. there was so many people around, but i didn't care. people's opinions don't bother me. and crying isn't a sign of weakness. things happen. people started hugging me, telling me they would be there for me, telling me how much i meant to them, just making me feel so much better. sometimes that's all we need. even people i have never talked to gave me hugs and were concerned. sometimes i forget these kind of people exist. those one of a kind, truly amazing people that i need. gives me hope. i've always said every single person holds beauty. i believe that, and i love proving that fact.

i prayed for pure happiness and optimism, and i really got that. sure, sometimes i'm going to get upset. we can't be on top all the time, right? i'm so happy and lucky that i know God the way that i do. he has helped me so much and i can never express how much i am thankful and how much i want to live for Him.

things that are important to me:

faith

promises

friendship

love

knowledge

expression

compassion

don't let me go.

why do i constantly need this validation?

why do i experience emotions on such a deep level? as if i'm feeling every single aspect of the feeling...sometimes it's all too much.

sometimes i fight myself more than anything. i over-analyze everything, this i know. i'm working on it.

summer nights, drift back to me.

love. ♥

I'm driving, I'm flying, heading somewhere new.

My 100th post. Yay!

I'm convinced A Rocket To The Moon has the best music ever. I can listen to their songs (I have about 40 on my itunes) all day. It has this optimistic tone, and I love that. The lyrics are amazing in every single song. So kudos to you ARTTM. You have Corbin as a fan.

Ignorance is bliss. Hmm...I've been thinking about this expression/phrase, and I don't know if I neccessarily believe in that. Sometimes not knowing something is better than knowing it, is what that phrase is saying. Would you rather not know the truth and be happy or know the truth and be disappointed? I just want to be happy, simply. So I can't answer that. Ignorance is...well, ignorant. Ignorant people, unwilling to open their mind to others' views...well I say that is so shady. People who are judgmental and are only willing to stay in their own comfort zone...your life is going to stay in the same place forever. You'll never have opportunities. OPPORTUNITIES. One of my favorite words. Yes, I'm a nerd and have favorite words. Also, I love the word HOPE. Because within every situation, all we need is hope. I love the word HEARTBEAT, because it signifies so much. I love the word BREATHTAKING. Because I want to experience things that are that.

I love God. So much. I know He exists with everything in me, more than I know I'm sitting here. I have never known more. This life is so magnificent, none of this is possible without him. The fact that I'm elements and cells put together, but I'm breathing, living, thinking is enough to completely amaze me. We are not here for no reason. I feel it. I breathe in deep breaths and as it travels to my lungs, I know...it's not possible without God. Does any of this make sense? I hope so, in some kind of way.

Sometimes all I need is to close my eyes. I realize every day that I love life. I fall in love all over again with my dreams as I awake. I have to remember what I want out of life, and never give up on all of the huge things I wish to do. So many people want to do these things, and some sadly never get to follow their heart for various reasons. I WON'T be one of those people. I have way to much determination in my heart.

why am i excited to go to school tomorrow? why? i'm scaring myself.

Love, truly.

i need you here but you're always so far away,

I'm glad I'm figuring things out for myself. It brings me happiness to know that my future isn't defined by my past, but how I look at it. It's not about the circumstances I've been in. It's pretty breathtaking knowing I have that power.

I want to be rememberd in this life. I want to leave my mark on this earth.
I feel I'm growing closer to people and I like that. It comforts me somewhat.


I made a new "100 list". If you haven't read my "100 things that bring me happiness", scroll down :) These lists make me feel so inspired and just have gratitude.


100 things I want to do in life:
1. read under a tree
2. explore a forest
3. start a collection
4. cry in the pouring rain
5. climb a mountain
6. sleep for a whole day
7. camp without a tent
8. touch a waterfall
9. waterskii
10. change someone's life
11. have a deep conversation with a complete stranger
12. go on a safari
13. cover my walls with photos
14. collect street signs
15. save someones life
16. go to an art gallery
17. swing on a rope into a lake
18. find the most beautiful rocks and save them
19. learn new & interesting things
20. swim with a dolphin
21. send a message in a bottle
22. go on a road trip across america
23. overcome a fear
24. flatten coins on a railroad track
25. build something on my own
26. go on a sailboat
27. learn to play the acoustic guitar & piano
28. find my "purpose" in life
29. go water rafting on a face-paced river
30. talk on the phone for 24 hours
31. go on a vacation with me and my closest friend
32. understand the world
33. have a portrait of myself sketched
34. walk beside the ocean
35. fall in love when i'm old...all over again to the same person
36. walk on an ocean pier at night
37. drive 100 mph
38. teach a college class
39. ride at least 25 ferris wheels, and take a picture on each
40. stay in touch with my best friends
41. touch the clouds
42. ride on a jet airplane
43. bunji jump
44. take a bubble bath with overflowing bubbles
45. pick my own fruit
46. scubadive
47. visit every country i can
48. find that "fairy-tale endings" are possible
49. open someone's mind to a new idea
50. take amazing photography
51. write and publish a book
52. tell someone exactly how i feel
53. eat at an outdoor restaurant at night
54. build my dream house
55. go to concerts of my favorite bands
56. give my time to charities
57. doing random acts of kindness
58. break a bad habit (or two)
59. dance in random places
60. have a huge book collection
61. inspire someone
62. be a member in the audience of a TV show
63. try something i wouldn't normally try
64. surf
65. draw graffiti on something
66. learn to say hello in 50 languages
67. drive a racecar
68. go on a cruise
69. build a sailboat in a bottle
70. expand my vocabulary
71. Volunteer at a homeless shelter
72. make a documentary
73. watch the sun go down
74. take up yoga
75. spend a night with every family member
76. stand under the eiffel tower
77. ride something bigger than a horse
78. travel by train
79. go on a hike
80. having a well-known blog
81. visit disney world (again)
82. say "i love you" as much as i say "like"
83. fast for a day
84. go for daily morning jogs
85. fall asleep on the beach
86. put on a show on a public bus
87. stand on the top of a skyscraper
88. ride the tallest rollercoaster
89. stand up for something i strongly believe in
90. wipe someones tears away
91. find/keep people who value my happiness
92. climb to the top of a tree
93. make a mixtape of my favorite songs of all-time
94. write a long letter
95. tell someone they are truly beautiful
96. go to a nude beach
97. watch a solar eclipse
98 paint a picture
99. buy personalized gifts for my family & friends in a tropical giftshop
100. be generally happy

-love

the sun doesn't shine just quite like it did that day.

100 things that bring me happiness: (no particular order):

1. laughing until i cry
2. laying while looking at the stars
3. feeling sand between my toes
4. photography
5. seeing people generally happy
6. inside jokes
7. acoustic music
8. tree climbing
9. inspiration
10. good books that make me feel a variety of emotions
11. lakes and oceans
12. rollercoasters
13. the smell of a bonfire
14. people who show me how much they care
15. car rides at nighttime
16. forests
17. laying on the grass
18. outerspace, the sun, moon and STARS
19. blogging
20. buying new clothes
21. restaurants
22. writing
23. swings
24. being alone without feeling lonely
25. being with people i love
26. deep conversations
27. meditation
28. being myself without holding back
29. helping someone and receiving thanks
30. rain and rainy days
31. hoodies
32. walks
33. learning new things
34. home videos
35. jetskiing
36. warm blankets
37. log cabins
38. thunderstorms
39. hugs
40. making funny videos
41. pranks
42. divine chaos
43. optimism
44. random acts of kindness
45. comedy shows
46. scented candles
47. excitable people
48. hardwood floors
49. accomplishing goals
50. discovering new bands
51. waking up fully rested
52. finding time to daydream
53. getting lost in my thoughts
54. memories and making them
55. making a difference in peoples' lives
56. feeling infinite
57. the smell of spring
58. bookstores & art galleries
59. windy summer days
60. swimming at night
61. free samples
62. christmas lights
63. watching lightning bugs and fireflies
64. the smell of new magazines
65. salt water fish
66. classic disney movies
67. seeing elderly people in love
68. childhood memories of playing for hours
69. hayrides
70. watching the sky
71. kayaking
72. wave pools
73. meeting new people
74. making a fool of myself in public
75. anything vintage
76. smiling at strangers and having them smile back
77. when people give me space at exactly the time i need it
78. incense
79. ocean shells
80. unexpected letters/texts/calls
81. the feeling after i've cried a long, hard cry
82. colorful markers
83. getting someone to understand me
84. waking up fully rested
85. stained glass windows
86. hot showers
87. tan lines
88. giving and receiving advice
89. stretching
90. old photographs
91. good dreams you don't want to awake from
92. people-watching
93. movies that leave you thinking about things
94. really good food
95. random cooking experiments
96. sarcasm
97. complete silence
98. things being organized
99. not having a plan & taking life as it comes
100. going to sleep knowing you had a good day

i'm starting a new thing, where i'm doing "100" lists. right now, i'm working on "100 things I want to do in life". It's been so inspiring and reflective. i'll post that one once i'm finished.

current moods: happy, disappointed, and tired.

at least i have happy in there. :)

i am very thankful for the people i have in my life. they honestly make me smile. i'm working on saying "i love you" as much as i say "like". HA! it's important. i love when people tell me that. especially when I KNOW for a fact that it's true. i don't believe in saying that three letter phrase unless there's meaning behind it. there's such a difference between loving someone, and caring about someone. a world of difference.

lovelovelove.

there's a force in the universe that makes things happen.

I'm lost in words. In what could be. In what we could make of what we are.

I attempted to organize things again, and I quickly gave up. The weird thing is, I hate for things to be disorganized and messy and it drives me crazy, yet I can let it stay like this. Hmm.

I miss the summer. How I would love to be camping right now.

There is a whole universe out there, and our earth is set so gently there, us on this planet, living. Odd. It sort of makes life worth while. It sort of makes me know there's more out there than just this. There's more to life than our problems. We're not here for no reason. I feel this so strongly.

I'm ready for whatever life brings me. I'm taking life as it comes lately. I'm trying not to be so controlling. I'm focusing on not worrying about anything, and just living. Just focusing on the universe and world, and knowing life is what we make of it.

In fact, it's just amazing to know we escape death daily. So many opportunities to die, as morbid and pessimistic as that sounds. But I don't mean it that way. I simply mean, we should be so happy we're here, breathing in this air. Sure, we go through the stresses of the day and encounter more than sometimes we think we can handle, but we're here. Look how much we have accomplished. The memories I hold onto are stronger than anything. And no one can ever take them away.

I wouldn't be surprised if this doesn't make a lot of sense, my thoughts are perhaps meant for me. I see things in a "different", or more abstract way.

The only way to fall is down.

much love. ♥

how the stars reflect in your eyes shows me possibilities.

I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. Some of those we'll never know. But we can always dream. We're all so different in our own ways, and we see things in a different light. But we want the same basic things out of life. Love. Happiness. Fun. And that's pretty cool if you think about it.

So I guess we will never know exactly how we all relate. In some weird way, we'll never know ourselves as well as we can. Things change, people change. I'm seeing myself go in different directions and contradicting my actions and words at all points. Sometimes I wonder why I say the things I say, or why the thoughts in my mind wander there out of nowhere. I'm not afraid of my future. I'm excited to go through the journey of life. Honestly, it excites me to know that God has my life all planned out for me, and if I follow Him, it will go exactly how I want it to go. I have that control.

And that doesn't scare me either. I'm a control freak to a certain extent. I really like, or have to be in control of things sometimes. And if I'm not, it irritates me. Well, that's one of my weaknesses but I guess it shows I have confidence in myself.

I'm very happy to call myself a good person. I'm not conceited. I don't think I'm perfect and I don't think so very highly of myself. But I'm happy with myself. There's a million things I wish to change about myself at times, but I'm aware that I'm not perfect. And I'm trying to change things. I think I'm a good friend. I try to be. And It's too hard for me to say goodbye to the people I love. Sometimes all I want is to be alone. And other times, I just want to spend my time with people. Sometimes I want someone to ask me "what's wrong?" and have them not take "nothing" for an answer. As cliche as that may sound.

I feel like I'm writing a novel of a post, but I have a lot to say, partly because I haven't written in a couple or few days.

Studying for exams the past couple of days has made my brain hurt. I don't like it.

News: I got my license. Well, I will officially be getting it tomorrow, but I passed my road test. Yay.

Everything makes sense after a while. Thinking about the significance of life gives me chills, and frankly, it makes everything worth while...

Choose who you want to be. Choose where you want to go, who you want to love, and what you stand for. It will all be worth it in the end. <3


love, truly, always.

portraits of us fall down,

I'd give anything I have to see you smile.

Just to close my eyes, to feel the wind in my hair. To think about the oceans, the amazing places and people out there. The man who gives his last dollar gives me hope. It shows me there are good people out there. The person who puts a smile on someone's face even though they're crying inside...that person gives me hope. Photography and hugs, and raindrops...it all holds hope.

http://www.givesmehope.com/

Some people completely misread me. I'm not the person you think I am, I guarantee it. I'm a deep person, a simple person, yet so hard to completely figure it out. I care about people in general. I have huge dreams I will do anything to follow. I'm not dramatic, or caught up in the problems in life. I let it go. I'm carefree to a point. I try to not let things bother me. It's not worth it. And that's all been a progress in time. It took me a long time to figure out what I was missing was being happy. And not holding back... for the first time in my life I know what I want, who I am, and what I'm doing. Sure, I'm going to make PLENTY of mistakes, and I have SO much to learn, but I'm just happy I've gotten to this point.

If you feel like you've had enough, if you feel like your life is going nowhere....please remember to ask God to do wonderful things in your life. Ask Him to give you opportunities and to allow you to see the good things in every situation.

It's not cool to lie to me. It's not cool to avoid me, or ignore me in any way. Don't do that. Don't tell me one thing, and do another.

I promise I'll never be that person. I have a lot of love to give.

♥

i wanna be where you are.

it seems time goes by so fast,
i'm figuring things out.
i realized i need to be the mature person i am on the inside...
things come out wrong sometimes.
i'm trying to change things.
i'm trying to look past it all...
i want to close my eyes.
this is all too much. i can't be the same person always.
i eventually will be more than i am now.
i see things differently than you do.

today was far too ordinary.
give me something to smile about.

making that moment last,

It seems I need anyone right now, yet the more I long for someone to be here for me, the further everyone seems. Today, I started feeling this weird feeling and I can't get out of it. I have been thinking a lot about life in general. I've been seeing people around me in pain, and it's making me feel their energy.

I've found life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% how you react to it. I'm fully convinced of this.

"When we focus on what we see, we lose sight of what we feel. When we focus on what we hear, we lose sight of our thoughts. And when we focus on what's going on around us, we forget our dreams. Sometimes all we need is ourselves."

-Corbin


Sometimes I just breathe, and I think about how all the small things don't matter. I realiz

I'm beyond astonished with this world. I'm happy people come to me for advice, it shows a lot to me. That they trust me and I can help them in some sort of way. But when will the favor be returned? I don't have all the answers. Sure, I've been through a lot of situations and I understand a lot of things, but I don't know soo, so much. I'm helpless at times. I find comfort in what people can't explain. I find myself lost in words, lost in photographs. I see myself in a reflection and I see more than a reflection, I see a deep person and I see a life filled with memories. Looking back on my past, I feel lucky. I could sit here listening to acoustic music and reminisce on all of my memories, and words truly fail to explain... truly.

I never thought the feelings I have now exist. And it's a good thing. It proves I'm ALIVE.

I have lungs and the capacity to carry on no matter what. The clouds I see, no problem can compare to the beauty I see. The country sky, the raindrops on my face. Nothing can hurt me in the longrun. Nothing matters but living life to its fullest. It makes problems non-existent< It makes me want to do whatever my heart desires and not holding back at all.

I know something is out there. I KNOW with all of my heart this life isn't for nothing. I know God is out there as much as I EVER have. I feel his presence, I know he's there more than I know I'm typing on this computer. All of this is not possible without Him. The fact that I'm living, I'm breathing, I'm elements put together, and I'm THINKING, that's enough to completely amaze and confuse me. It's all a divine chaos.

Let's run away. Forget where we came from. Just run, never look back. To a place that will accept us with open arms..

Life is hard, I know. It's really complicated. Yet so simple. Single-handedly, it's all about the mindset you have.

I can't watch anyone else linger away from myself...

I may be different, and you may look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about, but you don't see what I see. You can't appreciate the wind simply blowing like I can. You don't see that life isn't so bad. You don't feel the same feelings I feel by being alive. It's enough just to feel the wind blow through my hair. To know I appreciate my life. I don't see the negativity anymore. I just see contentment.

love. ♥

we escape from the windows, never look back,

F.F. (fun fact): This above picture is my background on my laptop!

I love it. It reminds me I have a whole life before me. I have opportunities lurking around every corner. It reminds me of the beauty in the world we sometimes miss. Yes, I got all of that from a simple picture. That's where inspiration comes into play!

Well, even though things have been a bit rocky, I've found my ground. I've found a way to be happy today, overall. Even though I do sort of wish things were different.

Currently listening to: Break out, break out (acoustic) by All Time Low

I was told today, maybe in different words, "you seem like a girl who has her head on straight, who knows what she wants, and who knows everything about life. You seem like the kind of girl that doesn't let things get to her." by an adult in my school that I have a lot of respect for now. Not just because she said that. I am so glad to hear that, I love to be understood. I said, "Well, I'm sure there's a lot I don't know." And there is. I have a lot of things figured out. I don't let things bother me for the most part. Sometimes I can't help it, but generally I am optimistic and look past the negativity. It improves your life so much.

I don't want to see anyone drift away from me. It's like I'm on an island, where we were once so perfectly happy together. And this person is leaving slowly on a boat, just floating away. There's nothing I can do to pull it back, all I can do is watch it float away and wish it would sail back to where it used to be.

I like change. Yeah. But when things are going so well,and then all of the sudden it stops...it leaves me to wonder. Questioning things. Contemplation is the highest form of activity, that's true.

This past weekend was fun. It was swell.

Saturday is my road test date. Yayyyy.

i've been in situations where i care way too much. i wish i didn't because it causes more heartbreak than anything...i am realizing i don't care what people think of me anymore. i do what i want without caring if they are judging me. i'm living for myself and for god. that's all that matters. i can truly say now, i'm content with where i am. i can say that things are changing, i'm changing. i'm learning what love really entails, and life is different than i originally thought. it's all about your mindset.

love ♥