suddenly i understand everything i couldn't comprehend,

-There was a man holding up a sign on the side of the road that said "Everything is OK". People drove by, and he would smile and give a thumbs up. Gives me hope.

I don't want to have expectations for anyone anymore. I want to trust, but people like to let me down. Sometimes it seems just when I get to know someone and really care for them, that's when they decide to get further away from me. I've tried to make it better, but I can't be the only one trying. I have to have them care too. And right now, I don't have that. So what can I do?

I'm fading fast.

below is something i wrote two days ago, and it's not close to "good" or anything special, but it really epitomizes...well, me.

casting shadows on this water, it's getting colder
it's getting colder
you're beautiful, that's what he told her
why do we run away from who we are?
it's ironic, we're lost, so we run so far
not knowing the meaning of life,
so we choose to live this strife
we don't have to do this,
we don't have to do this
i can't say tears will never exist
and i can't promise you won't be missed
you'll be missed.
nothing makes it better so we hide
and then that's when, we can't fight the tide
it's never simple, i'm lost in it all
running away from the impossible fall
i've been through the rain
but you'd never know this pain
driving down the highway 100 miles per hour
at the time feeling all that power
but it never lasts, it never lasts.
i've stood in a storm, watching the world change around me
the cold didn't compare to how you made me feel and so i see
i look to what isn't, i look to what i can't touch
everything and everything, it all gets too much
i know there is some place i can go
i know there's so much more
i still remember the sounds of my world
and i was just a girl, just a girl
did you think i could breathe without the air you provide?
i couldn't stop fading without you by my side
and it all made sense, it all made sense
i see my life, passing through my mind
pictures flying, what happened in this time?
sometimes i wonder what this all means
i forget all you said, and i just see
no one said it would be this tough,
driving far will never be far enough
the moon stares at me, and i wonder
i don't want to be alone tonight
if only i could see this light,
but i can't, i can't see it

will i ever be whole?
a week and i still can't feel my soul
will i ever be whole?
i'll believe in love someday
though for now, i'll put on this face
i finally felt that it would all be okay
and i knew, i wouldn't feel this weight
the person i said i'd never be,
it's me.
i'm the person i thought i'd never become
still, you choose to think you won
but it's not about that, either way we lose
so this is how it is, this is what you choose

if you read this, every line, thank you.

i'm living past the hatred, it's not worth it. i'm dealing with things day by day. i'm learning more. i'm living more. life is flawed. everday there's imperfections staring at you in your face. but look through that, see past that and you'll find this inevitable life standing there calling your name. you've heard this all before. but have you believed it, and felt it? accepting pain is one of the hardest things to do, but most rewarding. ♥ i believe this. i do.

i haven't done anything today. and i feel so unproductive. yet stuck. vicious cycle.

i finally know where my heart belongs.