why are you so far away from me when i need you,

I would do anything to have you beside me tonight,

"In life you are going to make mistakes, you're

going to fall down, but it's the getting up that counts. Just like in baseball:

you'll get a few hits, but most likely, you'll strike out more than you'll get

on base. But don't quit. Find your focus, relax, take a deep breath and give it

a good swing."

I don't like feeling emotions on such a deep level, I'm sure of this.

I know we are all running away from something, big or small, inconsequential or vitally important. We can run and run away from something, or someone, but everything catches up to us like a whirlwind. Sometimes, we should just stay still, live in the moment, and appreciate our fears. Or at least accept them in some sort of way.

We don't always have second chances in life, and I like that. Even though it changes the dynamic of everything, I can appreciate that. It makes me more determined in a sense. To do things right.

I believe in myself. More than I have ever imagined, but I always have doubts in the back of my mind. I don't think I'm capable of letting that completely go. And I'm not concerned about it, because I've came so far. Sometimes the only thing that gives me hope is thinking about my future. And sometimes I wish I could have hope in the present moment, but I can't. Or my past. The future is what keeps me going and motivates me.

I just need to slow down for a while.

I've really realized that people change quickly. And sometimes all we want is to reach out and grab who they were and bring them back to us. But we can't. That's what hurts me. I care too much for people, and when they let me down, my world crashes down. And of course, they leave with no wounds or scratches and I'm left with heartwrenching pain. Why?

If I've learned anything it's that no one can be happy all the time. I think sometimes we need to go through tough times to realize what we have. Sometimes we need to feel pain to know what pure joy is. Sometimes we need negative experiences to help others, and learn about ourselves, as horrible as you feel at the time...things pass. And we're able to move on. God gives us shoes that fit us, so to speak.

-We can't live in the pits of life, defeated and depressed. Just because others around us can't and refuse to see the good things in us, doesn't mean they don't happen or exist. We really can't change people, so we have to make ourselves happy. We just can't let the negative people infect us. How we see ourselves determines what kind of life we will live. So don't dwell on mistakes, see yourself as God sees you, and remember you have the lungs and capacity to carry on. Once we see the world in a way that lets us hold it, it will all start making sense again. I promise. I'm living proof that we can overcome anything, with the right mindset.

Don't let me hear you say what I've thought before. Almost subconsiously, I've thought "I'm a victim of my life." It just make myself take in toxins of negative thoughts. Instead, we have to think, "Okay. Even though things are bad for me right now, I will smile through it. I will know it's for a purpose, and I will overcome it." It's taken me a while. But I'm getting out.

I want someone to love me for exactly who I am, and love all of my weaknesses and annoying habits. I want someone to accept my constant giggling and sincere intentions. I want someone to be able to take my indecisiveness and understand my intentions when my words don't come out right. I want someone to look at me the way that I want them to. I want to know it's possible.

In some sort of way, I'll always be the person who feels like the world is taking her over. But I'm showing the side of me who can take over the world, and not have it take over me.

-It's all a matter of how we see the world and the situation.

Sometimes I look in the mirror, and all I can see is myself disappearing right before myself. And I'll stand there, looking to find answers to something I'll never know. But it never seems to help.

I'm more than happy summer is here. I've made it through Junior year, and I'm excited to consider myself a Senior now. Time passes fast. This school year has been so bittersweet. Overall, I'm content. I just need to get ungrounded. I feel pathetic. Just sitting here, unable to do the things I love.

Maybe I need this time, but I can't seem to convince myself that.

 I can't wait to prove myself in this lifetime. Not that I need to. I want to do these great things for myself. And I will. I wish I wouldn't sound arrogant when I say this, but I'm going to go so far in my life. It's not arrogance at all. I'm going to help people in the biggest ways. I know this more than I know I'm sitting here right now.

Lastly, on this novel of a post, I really would like to say this: I don't want you, dear reader, to feel like I'm 'preaching' or 'lecturing' to you about how to live life, because I'm truly not. I don't know any more about life than you do. I'm still learning. But I do think I'm capable of good advice, and if I can touch just one person, then I can die happy, as I've said before. I write these things (mostly) for me. It helps me get through situations, I'm not  thinking I'm superior or know any more on how to live, because you are all more amazing than I'll ever be.

I just wanted to make sure that was clear.

Thank you so much for reading.

xo

lovelovelove.

i have hope in you,

we all have a different idea of beauty.

so why not see the underlying beauty that everything holds?

currently listening to: unwinding cable car, anberlin

i'm still deciding if anything is worth changing. and still, i have no answer. sometimes the answers aren't right in front of my face, and i get frustrated. but i've found those unexpected things to mean the most. i've found that i always recover after everything. i've found there are truly people out there who care about me more than i knew anyone ever could. the truth, i care too much. and sometimes i wish i didn't at all. i

sometimes, when i feel lonely and scared, i leave myself to think about life and what i want out of it. sometimes it's so reassuring. other times i can't handle it.

i know that sometimes our hearts hurt more than we're willing to reveal. sometimes we feel we have to hide ourselves, our feelings, because we're scared. but sometimes what we're hiding is who we truly are. i walk on the edge of life as i know it. with the hope of not falling. but when you walk on the edge, you have to expect losing your balance at times. i want to say to you...and to myself...breathe in each moment, and in each moment take a breath. if you must, let tears fall. if you can, smile at every opportunity.

there are a lot of people in this world. and if i really think about it, i'm not much at all. but i know there is at least one person i am capable of touching in the greatest way. and i know my purpose is defined more than i know. if i can be someone to at least some person, i can die knowing i did something right along the way of life...

i don't believe in shame. i just thought i'd say that, because pride is becoming increasingly meaningful to me.

i just want to look at the stars, and not have to think about the things that are pulling me down.

i lost myself somewhere in this world, and i'm on my way back to finding myself again.

i know, i have something to believe in.
i know i have a place somewhere, even though sometimes i feel like i belong nowhere.

i know i have more love to give than i know, even though sometimes it feels like the hope we once had is gone. or lost. either way, it's nonexistent to me. and that, leaves me cold.

when can i feel warm again?

like i said, i lost myself somewhere in the world. and i can see small glimpses of that sometimes. i just have to figure out how to completely reach out and grab the hope i once had for myself.

i know it's there, and here to stay forever.

lovelovelove

a bit of everything,

these things below are things i've written in previous posts that i really like. because they describe my thoughts perfectly. perhaps you remember reading some of these excerpts.

Life is this amazing thing that no one can explain in words... sometimes I get lost in that beauty.

The worry, the strain, it's not worth it, it's wasteful. When we could be happy. There's no point in contemplating too much about something when everything always will be okay. In some way. It will.

Our options and possibilities are endless.

Wherever I go in this life, whatever I may accomplish, I just want to sparkle. I want everything to shine around me.

I see it as, you can get to the point you want to be at, no matter how you got there or whatever got in your way. Our past doesn't determine our future.

there's those intoxicating moments that you know you'll never get back. so you just feel. and take in the moment, wishing it would never go away. but deep inside, you know it will end.

Have you ever felt so far away from yourself? Yet so closely related to what's around you?

in some sort of way, i'm just content.

sometimes the people around us can't see who we really are. why is that? even though they can’t see and refuse to see all of the good things you do and have to offer…doesn’t mean they don’t happen or exist.

greatness can be found in the strangest places. i see it all the time, and i wish i could see it more. because honestly, it exists everywhere we look. the small smiles and hopes people hold. i'm amazed. it shows me how much i really have to learn, and how much better of a person i'm capable of being. i feel i need to hold on to the greatness i know the world has, even though i sometimes don't see it.

at the end of my life, i want to know i'm remembered. i want to know that i brought smiles to people's faces. i want to touch people's hearts. it's sort of scary to think about how much better i could be. i'm working on that. yes, i believe i'm a good person. i really do. but i could be much better.

i'm here to smile. though i can't promise tears will never exist.

it's becoming clear to me how much some things really are changing. and how i'm trying to find all these ways to adapt. i can't change my past, so i don't worry about it. i can't control my future 100%, so i try to take life as it comes. i try not to look at things as "bad" or "good" but just neutral. i have had issues, but i don't see them as bad things. nor good things. i just see them. and appreciate them. does that make any sort of sense?

The people who live their lives with hatred, need the most love. Because those who live their lives with hostility are the ones who are searching for the most love.

sometimes i like to cry. one of those feelings you get out of nowhere. where you're just thinking about all of the good and bad things, everything in between, life moments, and everything just seems to hold beauty. it's not like i had a reason to cry last night, it just came out. i was holding onto memories, and it just felt right

this true? I think everyone has something they're running from or trying to escape from. Some sort of fear. I guess I have things I'm running from as well. Well, I believe sometimes we shouldn't run away from the things we are afraid of, but face them, because sometimes the things we are most afraid of are the things we need most in our lives.

I believe that.

i've been waiting for my dreams to turn into something i could believe in,

I promise I'm more than a hopeless person.
I believe there's something in me worth keeping.
...And you should believe that about yourself too.

I'm realizing...I have more power than I know. Or have ever known. Things have been more difficult for me than I thought I was capable of dealing with. Yesterday I completely broke down. More than I ever have. I cried the hardest cry I had been holding in. Seeing myself like that completely scared me. Truth be told... I wasn't okay. And I'm not sure when these wounds will completely heal.

 Like I said before, I scare myself. Sometimes the world crashes down around me, and I feel so broken and scarred, unaware of how I will get myself out of the hole I'm in. I've felt more pain that I'd ever wish upon anyone. I can't see myself like that ever again. I can't.

BUT. I'm really one of the strongest people I know. That's why I'd take the pain for anyone. Because I feel I'm more capable of dealing with it, and I'd rather see myself hurt than them. Just know, I can't always be strong. We all have to break down at times, I believe. I am an optimistic person, and I am very thankful for that. But when so much is going on around me, I can't be that person. I think pain is neccessary for growth. Sometimes the world just gets in our way.

Sometimes when we're going through a lot, I think it's hard to do anything. Your mind is just everywhere, and we don't have the control we want because the water is pulling us under. Well, I refuse to drown. I kept telling myself, "Tomorrow I'll be happy" or "I'll be happy once I get through this." I can't do that. We can't. We have to choose to be happy at the exact moment we're in. That's when good is capable of coming into our lives.

I now know once I start to love someone there's nothing that could ever happen to make me unlove them in any way. That's the kind of love I want people to show me. Unconditional love. It's the only kind that truly exists.

I want to tell anyone who is reading this, if you ever feel breathless, I want you to come running into my arms. And know I'll be here for you to cry as long as you want. We can just sit here and not talk at all, because sometimes I feel that's what I need. I want to be that to someone.

I really wanted to include these things that people have written to me recently. Because they really mean so much to me. I feel like I can read them and feel a sense of comfort, and I'll never be able to say thank you like I want to say it in my mind. So please, just understand how thankful I am. To you people who I have included quotes from you to me, you are more amazing than I'll ever be. ♥ :

wow...amazing..i consider corbin as my inspiration motivation and admire her so dearly...i envy her so..well spoken and kind..i am sheddin happy tears for you corbin...i so blessingly love you and your whole fam...xoxo

I admire you so...and remember showing your true feelings is not a sign of weakness...and never be who others what you to be or do what they want to see...you a unique person..be true to yourself always by showing who you truly are..the good, bad, happy, sad, angry, depressed, joyful person that God created...

went to the blog again.As always amazing.You are so mature beyond your years.I love and respect all the things you stand for.You alwas lift my spirits and make me smile no matter how sad I am.Thank God he put you in my life.Xoxo

Life is difficult,life sometimes sucks, and not fair, but we live in a unfair world, Take all that you learn, common since,uncommon knowledge, book smarts, It still doesn't add up to how you feel inside......Be you, and always live by that...........

The most important thing that you need to know is your at school for a reason to learn ,you have to take all that you learn and then use that to overcome any petty problems,kids are not kind they don't have your understanding and wisdom so don't lose your focus.. you will get thru this, it will have an effect on your life, good or bad it's up to you, take control of your future, because you can and you will, Kim and I just thinks the world of you..Support is everything ......

you trully have a beautiful soul............

everyone at one point in thier lives feel's sadness there's no two way's around it... no matter how hard we try...your so inspiring to all of us and that's alot on such small shoulder's..but know this you have purpose in life grab ahold of it and run with it..have a great life.....

Corbin you are so wise beyond your years.You are going to do great things in your life.Never give up on yourself.God will guide you and be there for you always.You truly bless me.So glad you are a part of my life.I want to see all the marvelous things that you do.I love you more than I could ever say.XOXO

To one person who doesn't have a quote to me above, I have something to say to you (I hope you know who you are and read this some day. You all don't have to read this. It's meant for one person.) :

You are everything to me, my best friend. I have seen the worst and best in you, and even at your worst, I've seen more beauty than I've seen in anyone. I wish for you everything. I would do anything for you, I would cover myself in gasoline and jump into a fire if it meant you not feeling pain. I hope you believe that. Throughout our lives, we have been together nonstop. It scares me how much we are alike, yet we're so different. I apologize so deeply for ever hurting you in any way. I would take it all back if I could. I know we can't always get along and always agree, but I've never stopped loving you any less. It hurts me sometimes when I look at you to be honest. I want you to be your happiest self. I hide a lot of my emotions from you, and I think in my head that's me protecting you. I don't want you to see me sad for you. Inside I'm torn apart for you sometimes. I can't show that, and I'm sorry. I just would rather show happiness, even if it's not real. Does that make sense? But I usually am happy. You are the funniest person I know, honestly. And I know you can be SO much. You're different than ANYONE I've ever met, and have so much potential in this life. Please believe this, because I would never lie about something like that. I know you can do more than you'll ever know in this life. I know it. I want you to know that whatever happens in life is not going to slow you down, but accelerate you. The negative things in our lives can be positive in the longrun. If I could give you any advice, it would be to never let anything hold you down. Believe in yourself and know that nothing could ever happen to make your life less than it could be. Please remember to be happy through everything. Sometimes God gives us situations to make us stronger and for a purpose. Throughout everything I've been through, there was always something good that came of it, and I hope you can see that too. It made my life 100% better. It's hard to see sometimes, but if we can see it, it makes us one of those people who are rare and unique, and that's amazing. I'm not someone who is deserving of giving you any kind of advice but if one word I say can help you, I'll try. Even though I'm not sure if I have that kind of power. I want to end this on a happy note, because I think you're one of the easiest people to talk to. I know that whenever I tell you something bad that happens to me, you always find a way to reassure me and say something to turn it positive. I think we can be that for each other. I'm sorry this is so long, but I really have a lot to say. Also, I know that we are in each others lives for the biggest purpose I will ever have in my life. I always know what you're talking about or even thinking, and I think I know you better than a lot of people, whether you think so or not. I know I can be annoying sometimes or come off as rude, but I say things for a reason, sometimes not for a good one, but with most of the things I say, I mean with good intentions. It just doesn't come out that way sometimes. I guess that's the problem with me.

Basically, I want to say, you are forever my only best friend, my number one, and the only thing I'll ALWAYS have. I'll always be here for you, I want you to be able to tell me anything. And I'll always be on your side.

sometimes i want to paint my face...

If I could say anything, it would be that bad things happen to good people all the time. Sometimes the most horrible things can turn into great things. I know it's hard to believe. Sometimes it's hard to see through all of the detrimental things. But we have to be one of those RARE people who don't get depressed about the bad things that happen to us. I wish for you that you're able to move on with your life, that you're able to love again even stronger, and able to not let it slow you down, but accelerate you.

Whatever it is.

Sometimes I'm not sure what the next day will bring for me, and it scares me.

Quick Story: I thought I was going to take a shower this morning, but I found myself just sitting there in the tub crying. My headphones were in, and the world was spinning around me, ready to crash in at any second.

I don't want to ever do that again.

Sometimes I scare myself.

I think we should all be our happiest selves. Whether we're making someone mad, disappointing someone, or making someone laugh. It doesn't matter. We should live our lives with happiness and kindness to everyone we come in contact with, though it's easier said than done. I'm with you there, reader.

 Sorry I haven't showed you the side of me that's broken. I smile in front of you because I think it's what you need. But inside, I'm torn apart for you.

I don't know how to make everything better. The truth is, I need to learn that I can't change everything that happens. I like to just let things happen. I'm not really a planner. But I don't like unpredictability.

I dreamed I was in a room and it kept moving and spinning, but I wasn't sure if it really was. I thought it was in my head in my dream. And I was asking people if they noticed it too. Then in this dream I said, "what if this never stops? what if this keeps spinning and we just have to deal with this forever?" Literally forever I was talking about. Neverending spinning and there would be nothing I could do about it.

-Why can't I just have normal dreams that don't mess with my head?

my strength: i see the beauty in every situation and every person

my weakness: sometimes i can't take things so much that i wake in the middle of the night shaking and crying.

but i'd never tell anyone that.

well....i kind of just did, didn't i?

I went home from school early. At lunch I started crying, shaking, and breathing heavily and I'm mad that I let my friends see me like that. They are supportive and such good friends to me, but they don't understand the slightest bit how I feel. So I wish they would stop saying that. When I feel like this, nothing matters. I stop caring about eating, homework...etc. Because everything else, all the negative things, just seems to overweigh it all and become the most important thing.

I bet you've never seen this side of me. Because I haven't either.

love.

as the moon fades,

You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be.

I know that I think a lot, and maybe I shouldn't overanalyze everything so much. It's just like it's beyond me. Sometimes I wonder if someone out there thinks the same things I do or in a similiar way. But I guess I will never know the answer to that, because it's pretty impossible to describe such thoughts.

I have said this in a previous post, and I want to say it again. We really do accept the love we think we deserve. It's just human nature, and as much as you try to make it something positive, I think we usually do accept less than we deserve. We shouldn't settle for love that we don't want. What I mean by that is, everyone wants love. Sometimes when we don't get a lot of love, we will accept the first little bit of love (or what we think is love) that comes our way and think that's what it should feel like to be truly loved. But there's so much more, so we shouldn't settle for less. This makes sense in my mind, so right now I'm wondering if it will make sense in yours; I know my thoughts are different than some peoples. Which is fine.

I'm seventeen now, and I have to say that I like it. It's just strange. This growing up thing, I don't feel pressured to be mature anymore. I just feel like I am. In some ways. I'll always be that goofy, child-like person. Always. I've come to that realization. But I feel mature in a different kind of way, like I'm not trying to be anyone else. I don't want to admit that, but it's true.

I feel like sleeping for a thousand years right now, just not existing for a bit. I don't mean to sound so morbid, because I don't mean it in that way. If you've ever felt like this, you know exactly what I mean, and I suspect you do.

I know some may think I'm delusional, but I can assure you that I can do the things I say I will do. I don't want to be conceited or sound like I think I'm overly great, because to be honest, I don't. I know that I'm just a girl who has the same power as anyone else. I don't believe when people say I'm amazing. I just say thank you and accept that, but never truly believe it. BUT I really do KNOW that I'm going to do great things. Do you know what it's like to KNOW something with everything in you? If not, I wish that for you. By "great things" I do not know exactly what things I'm talking about. I will tell you once I accomplish them. I believe in myself more than ever, and that comes from God. He's given me this wonderful opportunity to make a difference in some way. I wish I knew that now, but I will find out my purpose.

I want to say to you, dear reader, that you are beautiful. & I hope you believe that.

-Are you always this sad?

-Me: No. I'm not sad at all.

-Are you always this shy?

-Me: No!

-I think you're apprehensive.

-Me: No, I'm not.

-You're not?

-Me: No, I'm just tired.

I lied ^

Have you ever just sat there and thought about life, the big picture? I've done this, and I've totally forgotten about all the little things, just thought about this earth, my memories and past. My future. It's like therapy.

love love love

xo

-corb

keep me far upon this mountain, far away from any distress,

thank you to anyone who is reading this. i appreciate when people read anything i write. and really, i don't understand why anyone would find my blog interesting. it's just me, talking about things that don't really matter or have anything to do with you. and that's why i'm even more appreciative to anyone who reads this blog. i hope you like it, i really do. xo

yesterday, was amazing. it was the best day i had in such a long time. and i'm not even sure why. nothing really happened that made it spectacular. it just was. some things are like that, there's no explanation at all, it just is.

currently listening to: save your scissors, city & colour

i have this feeling i wanted for so long, i feel   h a p p y.

and it just shows me what i'm capable of, which is even more happiness.

yesterday, i drove for a total of a couple/few hours. i don't mind. in fact, i like it. listening to music, the windows down, just driving, floating along...it's great.

i need to be heard. i've found this. i'm not the kind of person who craves attention, i'm fine being the one by herself in the back of the room sometimes. but, i do need people to listen to me. when i have something to say, i feel i have to say it. if you just listen to me, you'd see the pain i have deep inside, you'd see how much of a happy, optimistic person i really am. you'd see i'm probably one of the most caring people. that's why i want to be heard. i don't want to be thought of as a different person. i'm trying to let people get to know the real me.

"Look… I know my band isn’t big. I know I’m not an A-list celebrity… Hell, I’m not even a Z-list celebrity. I am just like all of you. I don’t have much money… but you know what? That doesn’t mean I can’t help. You don’t need money to change the world. You need spirit. You need love. Though I don’t have much, I do plan on making some sort of small donation. You don’t have to do the same but I am asking you to at least help spread the word. If you don’t want to do this for me… I understand. If you hate my band or love my band, that’s fine. But do it for Angelica Joy. Do it for her mother who just wants her precious child to be able to smile back at her."

-lead singer, the cab on his blog

--> wow, i'm convinced i want to marry this guy someday. his words inspire me so much, i comment on every single post on his blog, i hope he doesn't think i'm a stalker. it's not their band website or anything, it's his personal blog that he writes on, and it's amazing. i could learn a lot from that guy. but first, we should fall in love. ;)

looking at old pictures makes me want to smile and cry at the same time. i wouldn't be surprised if you, dear reader, have felt like this too. it's kind of universal, uncontrollable in a sense.

there goes everything i ever wanted, slowly dwindling away

sometimes i don't see myself

or remember who you were yesterday

how will we survive

to know somehow we'll always be alive

driving, not looking at the lines

the sun has been faded

100 mile signs

everything makes sense,

all inside my head

but this is where it ends.

the clouds are smiling at me

so i smile back

the sky is looking down

like there's something that it lacks.

you're that leaf that landed here

but the wind picked it up,

away from me, i fear.

i see you in my smile,

i see you in my dreams

i feel you and the inside of me screams.

cars passing by so fast

if i could blink fast enough

i'd see them moving past,

but i can't.

too much time too far away

i can't remember who i was yesterday

i walk down this empty street

i'll keep walking til i have nothing else

i'll count the stars while so discreet

i know i'm not a good poem/song writer. i know. but i enjoy the process. i just wrote this as i was writing this post. i wish i knew what all i was feeling meant. all i know, is that it means something. at least to me.

lovelovelove

somehow i can't be left in the shadows,

at the end of my life, i want to know i'm remembered. i want to know that i brought smiles to people's faces. i want to touch people's hearts. it's sort of scary to think about how much better i could be. i'm working on that. yes, i believe i'm a good person. i really do. but i could be much better. couldn't we all? right now, i really am trying to improve myself.

all i know is, i don't want to have a "normal" life. i don't want to go unknown. i want to do amazing things, and i will. i DO want a job, a house, and a family. but that's not all my life is going to consist of.

please, doubt this, and i'll prove you wrong. not specifically you, dear reader, but anyone who has doubts in me... if i don't doubt myself, there's no way i can fail.

if SOMEHOW, or someway, i can touch just ONE person, i can die happy. if i can look back and know that i helped someone, then i'll know that just maybe somewhere long this long road called life, i did something at least a bit right.

currently listening to: we did this to myself, the apathy eulogy

i'm hoping to attend a concert or two sometime soon. at least within the next couple of months.

this summer is going to be amazing, i can feel it. i can't believe that it's my last summer of high school. i just realized that, and i was shocked. i didn't think it would go by so fast. i never really pictured myself being 17. under the age of...oh, about 15...i never understood the expression "it feels like it was just yesterday".

but now, i do.

and it's true.

love.love.love.

believe in it, see it through my eyes,,

sometimes it's really hard for me to find myself.and that makes me sad. it shouldn't be that hard for me anymore, it shouldn't. i find myself trying to change myself. and it's not that i want to be someone different. i just want to show my full self more. i feel like i hide behind a wall that's not me. if only people could see beyond that. it'd be so different. because yes, i can be humorous (according to you), but i have a different side that's more important than that. i have opinions. i'm not closeminded. i have a side that's really caring, and sometimes that doesn't show when you have to cover up your heart.

well, i decided i don't want to do that anymore.

i don't want to have to remind myself to be ME.

some people are so wrapped up in their lives, well "lives". like at school, i see all these girls trying SO hard to make an impact on people. like they cherish how people see them more than anything. that's not me. i feel like there's so much more.

i really don't like that, because sometimes when we're around something so much, we start to feel ourselves drifting to that. i can't be like the rest. and i refuse. why would i want to constantly think/talk about who's having sex with who, and what party i'm going to this saturday? yeah, i am a normal teenager, but i have more to talk about than what some girl is wearing.

anyway, i felt like i had to say that just because i'm starting to notice that more.

i started making a list of the things i wanted to do this summer. i know i make a lot of lists. i'm not sure why.

but i guess it's a reminder to me about what i really want. and i'm a very determined person. lists just kind of show me what i want and what i have to do to make myself happy. not that i need to accomplish everything on a list to be happy. that's not what i'm saying either. but writing my goals down, it helps inspire me and show what i really want. i guess that' s important.

10 steps to self-improvement:

1. constantly remind the people i love that i love them

2. bad influences

 3. keep a smile

4. be more wellspoken

5. don't push myself too much. but also, push myself more when needed

6. don't get upset about any 5 minute/hour problems

7. find something/someone who inspires me to be better every day

8. remind myself what's important

9. say what's on my mind, without being rude

10. show kindness to others and do what's necessary to help (within reason of course)

i think sometimes we shouldn't be distrusting and shut everyone away, but we need to be on guard of who we can't trust. we shouldn't be nonbelieving and paranoid, but we shouldn't be gullable either. those two extremes really hurt me sometimes...

you won't believe me or see it, but i feel so unbelievably different today. and i feel it's permanent.

last night i dreamt i was outside in my driveway and it was POURING rain. i was playing it it and the happiest i had ever been. that brings tears to my eyes because the feeling was amazing. i was so grateful in that dream. it was perfect. yet so simple.

Leave it here,

I know that you've been running, dear,

I've been thinking, we'd stay here,

Don't you worry about a thing,

'Cause I'll be here, yeah, I'll be here,

And I'll be waiting for you

So sorry about all of the times,

I had to, needed to,

Believe it and see it through my eyes,

But don't you worry about it,

'Cause I am here for you,

As long as you need me to,

'Cause I am here for you,

As long as you need me to

whoever this was written about or to, i believe she's a really lucky girl. because if this was written for me, i'd melt right where i was.

 

lovelovelove.

i'm a wonder,

i know typically i put a picture first, then writing. but first, i want to say...this post is extrememly important to me. i hope you can understand.

don't forget to dream big dreams, so take a chance and sing loud, to laugh at all the silly stuff, and tuck away some memories.

sometimes the people around us can't see who we really are. why is that? even though they can’t see and refuse to see all of the good things you do and have to offer…doesn’t mean they don’t happen or exist.

i think we should all be happy. there is no excuse in the world to be miserable. if we aren’t enjoying every breath and step we take, then we are doing something terribly wrong. we don't have to deal with criticisms. we are all worth more than that. sometimes we get comfortable with the way things are going, so we feel content. but we don't truly know happiness. we can all do better. we don't have to keep climbing and not reach the top of a mountain. it doesn't have to be like that.

i'm just saying...in some way I really do hope something i say can affect someone in the slightest way. i blog for a few reasons, and i'd like you to know those, seeing as you're reading it now:

1.) I feel the constant (or almost constant) need to write. It helps satisfy that craving.

2.) I feel more expressive as I write, and sometimes I even re-read old posts i've written to help me through things. (weird? maybe a little.)

3.) like i said, i really want at least one person to read something i write and say 'hey, this makes sense, and this really helped me and inspired me'. the truth: i don't know if i'm capable of writing something that powerful, but i'm still trying. and that's my prayer about this.

greatness can be found in the strangest places. i see it all the time, and i wish i could see it more. because honestly, it exists everywhere we look. the small smiles and hopes people hold. i'm amazed. it shows me how much i really have to learn, and how much better of  a person i'm capable of being. i feel i need to hold on to the greatness i know the world has, even though i sometimes don't see it.

i am:

-someone who isn't willing to see anyone i love break down

-a girl who has been through more than ANYONE will know but i have gratitude

-a person with fears, but also with strengths i'm determined to let show

if i'm being completely honest here, i'm crying right now. and i'm not sure why. it's not sadness and it's not joy, it's infinite.

every so often, i find myself staring at a face that doesn't exist.

i wonder when i'll be able to stare into the eyes of time.

and go back to where we were.

the earth is unbalanced without you

somehow the gravity changed that day

or maybe my head was spinning

this is beyond what i can comprehend

dear reader, please know god is out there looking at you, hoping for the world for you. he needs you to make that happen. follow his path he's made for you.

love.love.love.

let's count all the ship lights..

okay. so i started feeling infinite again.
i'm getting back to myself, after a traumatizing month.

i had one person ask me what i meant by 'infinite', and what that feeling was.

for once, i found myself speechless.

it's indescribable.

i wish i could make you feel it, if you haven't.

but i can't make that happen.

only you can.

-i make way too many lists

-i love bracelets, and wearing more than one at the same time (although i don't usually do that)

-generally nice people make me so happy

-i have a lot of energy

-the outdoors is what inspires me most,

but perhaps you already knew that

-i wouldn't classify myself as 'normal',

but if you know me, you are already aware

-i could drive at night for HOURS

-i make up my own words all the time.

-i love looking at stars.

-i never mean to be rude. i'm just honest.

-i prefer the windows down opposed to air conditioning

-i'm an internet stalker. no, not really. but i love looking

at random people's pages and pictures

-i never ever stop listening to music

-i used to not have a favorite number,

but now i'm discovering 17. <3

-all you have to do to be my friend is like me.

and show me you care.

or make me laugh

-i'm not complicated. my complications come out as i speak or write

-i looove those breathtaking moments, where you literally stop breathing

for a second, and are just amazed

-i get attached too easily

if you knew just what life is about, what matters, maybe you'd know just what i was talking about

and really, i never will

xxxxxxx.

i would love to escape but now i'm bound,

and if you were to ask me right now, i'd smile and look down, unable to give an answer.

i haven't written on here in a long time, even though i've wanted to so badly. now i feel like i'm not as good at this.

i can't go back to where i was, that whole mindset that i had a month ago... everything came crashing down for me. and i needed to build it back up, and i'm still trying. i can't say that it's not going to take work. the hard part is, i'm not the one who made it all crash down. i'm really finding how fast things can change. but as much as that sounds sadistic, it can also go for positive changes too.

i'm not the type of person to hold onto things. at least i don't like to. i've found how infectious that really is for us.

it's hard to explain that i'm so happy. yet so sad underneath all of that. i never stop smiling, and being myself. i'm not always quiet. at all. i'm not coy. i'm not dull. i like to do unexpected things. some may call them weird things. but hey, i'm having fun. and i appreciate that about myself. because without that, i don't know how i'd be able to accept certain things. in some sort of way, i'm just content.

if i could be anywhere, i'd be far away. i'd be where the best scenery is. roads where there's no one else is. beautiful oceans. i want to feel that wind. i want to know things like that are possible.

i won't lose the best of me.

i know i have a divine purpose, and i don't mean to sound like i think i'm more than any of you. because the truth is, we all have such a purpose and a potential that lies beneath us. i really feel god's plans for me so vividly though. i really do. it's like a feeling i've never felt before, that i know i will hold power as much as i have none whatsoever now. what i mean by "power" is that i want to change a part of the world somehow, even if it is a small part. i want to help people in huge ways. and you know what? i feel that this will happen with my heart.

there's something deep about your eyes. could i catch a glimpse?

to whom it may concern...

dear person,

i don't know who will read this or who this is to. but whoever you are, i believe i love you. i believe somewhere deep inside i can change a part of the world, whether small or not. i also believe somewhere i can be the person i know i am. i know problems will always exist, but the dwelling upon them doesn't have to exist. tears will fall down and we will feel so broken at times. but we have to remember this everlasting cycle to get to being happy. sadness makes us appreciate happiness. and happiness lasts so much longer. even though it may seem sadness takes over the good, it really doesn't. look how much you smile compared to how much you frown or feel sadness. chances are, you smile more than you think. and we have those memories that can never be taken away. anonymous person, i would like you to know that i'm not the person who will let you down. i know how it feels. i've been broken. but now i realize the significance of life, and am so happy to be alive. i'm enjoying life more and more, learning each step of the way. i've learned to look past the negativity, because if you look at life with a quick glance you'll see it's not worth it...

love,

anonymous

p.s. tear this letter up. i'd rather you keep me in your heart and mind forever than somewhere deep inside a drawer.


"I hope you don't mind, but I shared your blog with a friend of mine..he is a huge activist, and I imagine a lot like you will be when you are older...he was blown away by you!!! You are so young, yet have so much insight...a true diamond in the rough..only, never let life make you too smooth, so to speak...you always need a few rough edges...a good guard against life's hardships...you amaze me..and the fact that you amazed him..I'm awestruck!!"

-thanks.

this is the correlation of salvation & love,

it's really late, and i've already written today. which is why i'm confused as to why i feel this strong urge to write.

i have a few more quotes to share from "the perks of being a wallflower" which have changed me in a small way.

-i just hope i remember to tell my kids that they are as happy as i look in my old photographs and i hope that they believe me

-i hope he can listen to it whenever he drives alone and feel like he belongs to something whenever he's sad

-it's kind of like when you look at yourself in the mirror and you say your name. and it gets to the point where none of it seems real. well sometimes, i can do that, but i don't need an hour in front of a mirror. it happens very fast, and things start to slip away. and i just open my eyes, and i see nothing. and then i start to breathe really hard trying to see something but can't. it doesn't happen all the time, but when it does, it scares me.

that last one, i've never felt like i could relate more. i've actually never even considered someone else felt the exact same way, and described it so perfectly.

all of these words are auspicious, to say the least.

i feel as if i'm almost a different person today. and i know you probably think i'm exaggerating, but i'm not.

i finally, finally...feel the point of life. i see everything in such a black and white way, and i love it. i feel so infinite. i see the positivity and feel the possibilities. i wish i could describe this feeling in a better way, but i can't. and i'm sorry if you haven't experienced this feeling before. but i believe you will. and if you have, i'm happy that you see life this way. it makes everything better.

in·fi·nite   /ˈɪnfənɪt/   –adjective

1.immeasurably great

2.indefinitely or exceedingly great

3.unlimited or unmeasurable in extent of space, duration of time, etc.: the infinite nature of outer space.

4.unbounded or unlimited; boundless; endless: God's infinite mercy.

the moon is the only light i can use to look at you,

Sometimes I just breathe, and I think about how life is so much more than what we know.
I'm beyond astonished with this world. I'm so helpless at times. I find comfort in what people can't explain. I find myself lost in words, lost in photographs. Remenaissing on memories, language fails. Have you ever felt so far away from yourself? Yet so closely related to what's around you?

The book I've been awaiting for, "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" is beyond my expectations.

So far I've kept track of just a few of the quotes. They really do make me feel infinite. here they are:

-so this is my life. and i want you to know i am both happy and sad and still trying to figure out how this could be

-we accept the love we think we deserve

-and i wonder if anyone is really happy. i hope they are. i really hope they are

i can relate to feeling happy and sad (and many more contradicting emotions) at the same time and not really understanding it.

i think everyone really does accept the love they think they deserve. for example, someone who doesn't feel good about themselves will accept the kind of love that really isn't love at all. but when we think we deserve the best kind of love (we all do), then we will accept that and be content. does this make any sort of sense? i hope it does. in some kind of way.

i believe my dreams will come true. which enthralls me.

i've never wanted to watch the stars and not have to be rushed to do anything more than i want to now.

there's this really cool website. it's really inspiring. it's excerpts about how people give other people hope. just amazing random acts of kindness. check it out? click here to see it!

my grandfather is one of those people who say things sometimes and he himself doesn't realize how inspiring every person can be. he said something that gives me hope today. he kept a toy of my sisters from when she was little. it's a small plastic dog (about the size of half my hand). He said he takes it to the doctor with him and gives it to kids to play with while waiting in doctor waiting rooms.
gives me so much hope.

-love

i finally know how you stand against the world,

^ my opinion: the most important thing we can do in life is let go of the things that hurt or trouble us. god does not want us to live a boring, stressful, painful life. and we ourselves don't want that either. everything always works out eventually. we just have to remember that.

when you feel as if you're broken down and alone, remember the sunshine WILL shine again. things have to be not-so-good sometimes, so we can gain strength and appreciate the good times.

also, remember...everything happens for a reason.

and circumstances are temporary.

there are too many people who would kill to see you fall.

so keep your head up high and see the positive things.

i love you all.

if you would like to talk at all about anything, please call me or email me. or even comment me on this blog. my comments are not publicly posted, only i see them.

If you live your life with an appreciation of coincidences and their meanings, you connect with the underlying field of infinite possibilities.

reflections...come unto me.

Hold on, be strong. no matter what you're going through, you know it's going to okay...today.

i've found the smallest things bring the most happiness. and i've found things always turn out okay if you believe it will. i've never had a situation end badly forever, it always gets better. and although pain exists at times, it goes away with time. time is this amazing phenomenon that our world revolves around. people rush, people are busy, our world is fully about time. something that really doesn't even exist at all. it shouldn't be about that. life isn't about how much time you have or even how long you live, it's about how much joy was in those years. when we rush things, it never turns out as good as it would if we just relax and enjoy the moment. i try to do that. i like conversations that make you feel free. the kind that you want to keep thinking about. and you walk away knowing care is there. i need more of that. i miss people. i miss having the people that made me feel like i could fall back and they would catch me. i still have them but i feel as though i'm drifting away. let me rephrase that. THEY'RE drifting away. and i don't like it. but i'm accepting it. and i'm not making a big deal of it, because i know they are wrapped up in some things, and soon they'll unwind out of it and realize what they've been missing. which is me that they will miss. i don't mean to sound conceded at all by that. but it's just that i miss them and if they love me as much as i love them, they'll miss me too. i'm a good friend. i pride myself in that because i care a lot about people. sometimes i think i care too much. but i can't change that about myself. i choose to see it as a good quality more than anything. and i feel lately as if i'm just letting things happen, and not being so controlling about everything. i have a tendency of doing that. but i'm trying to drift through things and let it all fall into place. because i realize i can't control every aspect of life. now i just have to fully accept that. i'm not perfect. very far from it. but i'm very proud of how far i've come and i'm proud of the person i've become in general. i think i'm a "good person". i have strong beliefs and am spiritual. i love god with everything in me. i have a lot of dreams. i like to help people. i am making good relationships. i'm ready for some adventure. i mean, what more could i ask for? i'm sure there are things but guess what? i'm content. and i'm happy. that's all i ask for. i have to get through things daily but it's okay. who doesn't have to? answer: nobody. some more than others, but we all basically have the same messed up things in our lives. stressful situations. but it makes us stronger. and i'm happy to say i've climbed this mountain. and i'm not going back down.
everyone hurts us eventually, and we will hurt others eventually. we just have to figure out who's worth it all and remember to forgive them and ourselves.
well, things are changing and have been changing. and as much as it scares me, i have to believe it's good change. as much as i miss people and want those memories back, i can't change this. i have to keep moving and remembering who i am and that everything happens for a reason.

goodbye for now.

remember at least someone out there loves you. and would do anything for you and to see you smile.

if you want to believe in me...

there's those intoxicating moments that you know you'll never get back. so you just feel. and take in the moment, wishing it would never go away. but deep inside, you know it will end.

i miss the small innocence of children. they are such dreamers, unaffected by the world around them. so next time someone asks me how i want to be when i grow up, i'm going to say i want to be exactly like how i was when i wasn't grown up at all. i honestly thought i could do ANYTHING. and the truth is, i can. what happened to those days?

in⋅spire [in-spahyuhr] verb, -spired, -spir⋅ing.

1.to fill with an animating, quickening, or exalting influence: His courage inspired his followers.
2.to produce or arouse (a feeling, thought, etc.): to inspire confidence in others.
3.to fill or affect with a specified feeling, thought, etc.: to inspire a person with distrust.
4.to influence or impel: Competition inspired her to greater efforts.
5.to animate, as an influence, feeling, thought, or the like, does: They were inspired by a belief in a better future.

this word has become increasingly meaningful to me. i say it daily. and i'm incorporating it into my life. i want to bring smiles and laughter, and hope to people. somehow, someway. i've always wanted to be a barrier breaker. a soul keeper. i've always wanted to be someone. i think in some way i'll always be searching for something. but for now, i'm waiting desperately to break down barriers and to prove what i'm capable of, not that it's needed.

-corbin