believe in it, see it through my eyes,,

sometimes it's really hard for me to find myself.and that makes me sad. it shouldn't be that hard for me anymore, it shouldn't. i find myself trying to change myself. and it's not that i want to be someone different. i just want to show my full self more. i feel like i hide behind a wall that's not me. if only people could see beyond that. it'd be so different. because yes, i can be humorous (according to you), but i have a different side that's more important than that. i have opinions. i'm not closeminded. i have a side that's really caring, and sometimes that doesn't show when you have to cover up your heart.

well, i decided i don't want to do that anymore.

i don't want to have to remind myself to be ME.

some people are so wrapped up in their lives, well "lives". like at school, i see all these girls trying SO hard to make an impact on people. like they cherish how people see them more than anything. that's not me. i feel like there's so much more.

i really don't like that, because sometimes when we're around something so much, we start to feel ourselves drifting to that. i can't be like the rest. and i refuse. why would i want to constantly think/talk about who's having sex with who, and what party i'm going to this saturday? yeah, i am a normal teenager, but i have more to talk about than what some girl is wearing.

anyway, i felt like i had to say that just because i'm starting to notice that more.

i started making a list of the things i wanted to do this summer. i know i make a lot of lists. i'm not sure why.

but i guess it's a reminder to me about what i really want. and i'm a very determined person. lists just kind of show me what i want and what i have to do to make myself happy. not that i need to accomplish everything on a list to be happy. that's not what i'm saying either. but writing my goals down, it helps inspire me and show what i really want. i guess that' s important.

10 steps to self-improvement:

1. constantly remind the people i love that i love them

2. bad influences

 3. keep a smile

4. be more wellspoken

5. don't push myself too much. but also, push myself more when needed

6. don't get upset about any 5 minute/hour problems

7. find something/someone who inspires me to be better every day

8. remind myself what's important

9. say what's on my mind, without being rude

10. show kindness to others and do what's necessary to help (within reason of course)

i think sometimes we shouldn't be distrusting and shut everyone away, but we need to be on guard of who we can't trust. we shouldn't be nonbelieving and paranoid, but we shouldn't be gullable either. those two extremes really hurt me sometimes...

you won't believe me or see it, but i feel so unbelievably different today. and i feel it's permanent.

last night i dreamt i was outside in my driveway and it was POURING rain. i was playing it it and the happiest i had ever been. that brings tears to my eyes because the feeling was amazing. i was so grateful in that dream. it was perfect. yet so simple.

Leave it here,

I know that you've been running, dear,

I've been thinking, we'd stay here,

Don't you worry about a thing,

'Cause I'll be here, yeah, I'll be here,

And I'll be waiting for you

So sorry about all of the times,

I had to, needed to,

Believe it and see it through my eyes,

But don't you worry about it,

'Cause I am here for you,

As long as you need me to,

'Cause I am here for you,

As long as you need me to

whoever this was written about or to, i believe she's a really lucky girl. because if this was written for me, i'd melt right where i was.

 

lovelovelove.