i wish i could discover something that doesn't expire,

allow me to make no exact sense in this post. i would like to free my mind with random pieces of thoughts. i've been inside my head with these thoughts way too much lately. if you read this, you will truly understand me more clearly. and possibly... be able to relate to some or most of these things more than you could have imagined. or you know what? you could read this and be very confused and will not care about what i say at all. that's actually very likely. anyway, i hope you can find yourself in some of these things.

i guess i am just some sort of floating object, flying through space, hoping to get caught and brought back to earth. i'm still waiting for this to happen.

"even angels have their wicked schemes, and you take that to new extremes, but you’ll always be my hero, even though you lost your mind."

i'm scared that if i let myself be happy for even one moment, that the world will come crashing down. and i don't know if i can survive that.

somehow, it just dawned on me that everything beautiful will eventually break out hearts. or our hands will eventually break everything that is beautiful.

it is the scariest thing ever to realize how much someone means to you. when it hits you, it hits you harder than you can bare. the saddest emtions begin to creep on you slowly as you start to wonder...

i'm all glued back together now. i make no apologies for how i chose to repair what you broke.

nobody broke my heart, i broke my own, because i can't finish what i start.

when will you finally realize you're pushing me away? when it's too late?

i don't care if it's not going anywhere. i really like wasting my time on you.

my head is a complicated pile of thoughts, and fears, and cravings, and dreams, and this tangled up nostalgia for the past and, somehow, the future. i am flawed and i am human and i am broken and i am trying.

it always shocked when i realized i wasn't the only person in this world who thought and felt such strange things.

confession: i feel like i always have something to say but never say it. i feel like my words don't mean much to anyone except for me. i feel no one would understand the thoughts that run through my head. i feel like i would be better off leaving everything unsaid.

it's not working for me.

i'm losing the most important person in my life, that scares me to death and i don't know how to deal with it.

you've impacted my life so much and you don't even know it.

i've changed so much, but nothing else has. this has left me feeling very confused.

it's one thing to say we're abandoned, and we don't belong here at all. but the truth is, there is no explanation for our existence. all we have to know is, we will survive when everything falls down. because you know it will at some point.

sometimes i just stop and have a moment that feels exactly like i am in an old photograph that somebody is looking at wishing they were in the moment. i look around, see beauty, feel the world. and i feel so satisfied with what god has given me.

"i never really know what to say. when i let my emotions get in the way. and i'm just trying to get us on the same page. i always get it better right afterwards. when all the wrong impressions are said and heard. how come i can never get the right words? i need to convey. wish i could explain."

-the listening by lights. <3

that is exactly how i feel.

forever my love,

corbin.

you could be my scene,

I've found myself reading poetry by Emily Dickinson, and lyrics more and more these last couple of days. It just... it quite simply captures me. Two new books that I wanted SO badly and I haven't even read them yet. What insanity.

you don't know what you live for until you know what you would die for. i truly believe that. i know about 7 people i would die for right now. that is actually more than i could have expected without counting like i just did. i guess you could call me lucky. that makes me wonder, how many would die for me in this exact moment. who really, really loves me. and for what reasons. perhaps i'll never know.
dear reader, i believe i love you. and i hope you believe me.

i'm lost in this moment because it feels so... right.

you forgot where to go, so i forgot who you were.
i need to see your face light up again.
but...i don't even know who you are anymore. and me?
i'm left behind.
i choose to be quiet. because if i try to mutter these words in my mind, i'll break down. just like i did, just like i always do, and always will when i have to face you. face my reality.
looks like your lies are engulfing your subconscious.
I DON'T LIKE WHO YOU ARE LIKE I USED TO.

i can't really say why everyone always wishes they were somewhere else. but in the end, the only steps that matter are the ones you take. we walk on one road. leading to seperate places. we can't go back. that's sometimes the devastating truth about things, that eventually subsides to guilt in our minds. we choose some place, some person, one decision. it leads to what we thought we wanted all along. but it turns out to be worse that you could ever imagine. and the worst part is....
it's all your fault. because you chose it. and it was at one point exactly what you wanted.

the best gift i could have been given was given to me. god gave me the ability to see beauty in everything and everyone. without this, i would be seeing the world through a false lense, like many do. things take my breath away, so effortlessly. it's not that i can always see it, or feel it. sometimes i forget. but i'm quickly reminded that the world i live in is perfect in it's own imperfect way.

i have to try sometimes, to see exactly where i am. to feel exactly what i'm feeling. it all comes too quickly.
i don't know what's wrong with me, but sometimes i get lost in the moment i'm in, and start to become very confused...about nothing. except for the fact that i don't feel that i'm truly in that moment...i just feel far away from myself at times. and it scares me sometimes. i hope i don't sound like a complete freak. maybe, just maybe, you can relate in the smallest way.

i never thought i would be the one to do this. it's me, it's always me who gets hurt. so how...am i capable of doing it? i guess it has to happen sometime.

arguments mean nothing to me. at the end of the day, i still love you more than i did when i woke up. <3

i really am trying. very hard. despite my efforts, everything seems to be falling apart.
everything needs to break apart to fall back together sometimes, i admit.
truly, i'm perfecting myself in the best way that i can.

all these colors will change...
goodnight. xo
corbin.
forever. and always. until the sun is no more.

And the world seemed beautiful again,

Never complain, never explain. Just be it.

So I guess we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.

yesterday night i saw the true value and meaning of life. not that i still don't. but i guess my clear vision of everything has faded...hiding behind the disturbances surrounding me. perhaps it will come back.

i promise you, i have so very much inside. and despite all that, i can breakthrough it...we can breakthrough my walls. and you'll see everything i've wished to show. you see, there are reasons for every single behavior, every complication we hold.
i can't let you in.
if i tell you why, you will just be pushed away even more.
i can't keep pushing people away.
but maybe... this complication comes from me seeing if you're capable of figuring me out.
not that anyone will ever be able to completely.

all i want is something to hold on to. that's all i need. without feeling as if i am slipping, or going to. i need to feel as if i can hold on forever without the fear of letting go.

no matter how bad things are, find the smalllest thing to enjoy and the one reason to hold onto. there's beauty in every situation. i believe that.
 i think about things a lot. too much. and then i forget how to breathe. i guess i need to find a way to stop that. i guess i do need to find a way of expressing myself that really embodies me, unlike i am doing now.

i cried the other day, simply because i was thinking about how much i love people. call me overemotional, but i don't get upset easily. i rarely cry, i'm finding. but... it's overwhelming. it's like nothing else matters. now that i think about it, that moment was perfect. because i was driving, and i had my music, and the world seemed beautiful again.
i just want you to feel beautiful for once in your life.

"it's kind of like, i've felt so many emotions at once, and now all i can feel is...nothing. i can't start caring more about you, then get hurt even worse in the end."
well, that is true. too undeniably true.

it's all more confusing than i'm willing to admit. this life, i mean.
but with complication comes simplicity.

Somehow, someway, I'm fully convinced sadness brings a sense of happiness to me. I wish it didn't have to, and I wish I could say it in a way that makes sense to you, but the truth is that it will never make sense with words. Just feel it....

dear reader, i know that you have felt some kind of pain in your life. and i can almost guarantee, you are feeling some as you read these words. please, believe that with pain comes healing and with mistakes comes learning. i just want you to know that there are always reasons to carry on, no matter what. there is always someone who would do anything to save you. so just smile. because you can't get this moment back.
i would do anything for you to be happy.

even if your hope has burned with time, anything that's dead shall be regrown.
and your vicious pain, your warning sign,
you will be fine.
here we go, life's waiting to begin.
if you fall, i will pick you up.
tonight, here i am, here we go, life's waiting to begin.

love like this lasts forever.
xo
Corbin.

will you lay here with me and feel it?

Even if your hope has burned with time
Anything that is dead shall be re-grown
And your vicious pain, your warning sign
You will be fine

currently listening to: a playlist of all angels & airwaves, a band i recently discovered.
i'm always discovering.
let me say, they're lyrics are simply amazing.

i haven't written in a long time. perhaps a lack of inspiration, perhaps my head has been clouded with things that i thought i just couldn't handle. either way, i'm so sorry because i forgot how much i needed this. i feel so weak saying this, but without getting something out, i can't breathe. what is it i need to get out? i'm not sure. but somehow hearing these words, writing these sentences, seems to be my therapy.
and i wish it didn't have to be.
but somehow, this is where i am.

i used to be a little girl who saw myself with everything in the world. now i'm grown up and have everything in the world. the difference? i saw it then. what a mistake i'm living.
the ones we love the most end up hurting us the most.
and why? i'm not quite sure.
but i wish i could figure this out, and stop it. because being hurt by someone you like, hurts. but being hurt by someone you love more than anything, seems to shatter me into pieces that i can't seem to put back together.
"no, you'll make me really upset if you take her away from me." tears followed those words. i hope i never have to say them again.

but now, no one is taking her away from me.
she's taking herself away from me, and that... hurts so much more.

 helplessness comes at the wrong times.

i'm trying to feel something that's not there. all i can do is close my eyes and search and search for something nonexistent. it brings me to emptiness and a frightening quiet that i can't control. it's like i'm fighting a battle...only it's against myself so i can't win. the paralyzing truth is staring at me and taking the emotion right out of me. not to shut the world out in any way, but to feel away from myself for only a moment. a moment to feel wonderous and free, away from the chains of my mind. here is where i land, unable to express the thoughts that fill my mind so actively.

i feel happiness all around me. but my breaths aren't being taken as often.

if only you know just how fragile i was.

when the power of love exceeds the love for power, the world will finally, finally know peace.

the only thing that's ever been consistent in my life is god. how could i not fall in love with that?

i have a love for life, a thirst for excitement and fulfillment. i don't want to slip away and the my mistakes to be the last thing you remember. mistakes are expected, and forgiven. but i want to be remembered by my heart and soul. i want you to know me as someone who could change the world. who helped you. who had character and personality. who made you laugh. who was unlike others.

i don't want to sound morbid, but i want to be ready for my funeral.

not that i will ever be 'ready' to die (i don't think) but i want to know that if i die tomorrow, i have lived a life that i can be happy with.

have you ever heard me scream i love you? here i go...

sometimes it feels like i'm living with a hole in my heart and no one even knows.
and sometimes that's all you need, is someone to fill that gap.
but how... when no one knows?

i don't know if i have the strength to open up that much.
it's kind of like a vicious cycle that i can't undo.

i push people away, and i don't even realize it. i have the courage to feel, and i'll always have my feelings. and i'm glad I feel everything so deeply. otherwise, i wouldn't know where to turn. my emotions keep me sane. but when will i have the power to pull people in?

sometimes, i just like to feel like i belong to something.

maybe i'll discover more about the world and this life, more than i see now. i believe i already see more than most people, so seeing it from a different perspective, will put my mind even more at ease.

i guess it does kind of upset me that this post sounds so depressing. and i guess i'm just getting my negative emotions out, because they're easier to write about. but truthfully, my life really is going well. i'm trying to enjoy it, and the nice thing is: i don't even have to try.

happy birthday dad.
goodnight.
lovelovelove.

-Corbin

"the lower you fall, the higher you'll fly."

when you are with me, i'm free. i'm careless. i believe.

life isn't as complicated as you think. you see the destruction of these streets, and how people will say one evil thing, destroying everyone around them with their hatred. you feel your pain that wasn't deserved. you've heard uneasy quiet when all you wanted was someone's voice. you've been bombarded with the loud chaos of everything, when all you wanted was quiet. you know what's it's like to not know where to turn anymore. you have felt like you're fighting your own shadow, even though you know it's an impossible battle to win...you keep fighting, hoping with your heart to get somewhere. but it never happens. i know. but with all that complication, comes simplicity. all we need is love, to see the true value of the world, and all of that seems to slip away.

we're nothing. but someday you'll be a lot of things to me.

hope keeps me alive. that's all that's ever kept me alive.

you look at me and because you've seen me laugh, smile, and be still..you think you know me. but it's very possible that you'll never know my true thoughts and how i feel about this world. i'll never be able to explain it. it's very possible you'll never see the side of me that i wish to show the most. and maybe you will. and maybe with that, you'll love it, or not like it at all. it's all okay.

i confuse myself often. my emotions, my thoughts, feelings, they contradict at all points.

sometimes i can't help but feel helpless.

other times, i feel life being so complete.

and when i don't, i try so hard to get back to feeling complete.

it really is hard, having to feel emotions on such a deep level. feeling the energy of the world spin so fastly around you, and not knowing how to deal with it all.

all i know is, i'm ready for excitement.

the following words describe every piece of me: (feel free to skip over this section, or read it and i think you will like the quotes.)

-I need to know there's the kind of people out there who listen and understand, I need to know these kind of people exist.

-Maybe it’s sad that these are now memories. And maybe it’s not sad.

-Sometimes people use thought to not participate in life.

-You see things. You keep quiet about them. And you understand.

-It's kind of like when you look at yourself in the mirror and you say your name. And it gets to a point where none of it seems real. Well, sometimes, I can do that, but I don't need an hour in front of a mirror. It just happens very fast, and things start to slip away. And I just open my eyes, and I see nothing. And then I start to breathe really hard trying to see something, but I can't. It doesn't happen all the time, but when it does, it scares me.

-I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.

-I started at my reflection and the trees behind it for a long time. Not thinking anything. Not feeling anything. Not hearing the record. For hours. Something really is wrong with me. And I don't know what it is.

-If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don't want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it too. I want them to be able to do whatever they want around me.

-I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s like all I can do is keep writing this gibberish to keep from breaking apart.

-I think that if I ever have kids, and they are upset, I won't tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it wouldn't change the fact that they were upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have.

-But mostly, I was crying because I was suddenly very aware of the fact that it was me standing up in that tunnel with the wind over my face. Not caring if I saw downtown. Not even thinking about it. Because I was standing in the tunnel. And I was really there. And that was enough to make me feel infinite.

I see these people, solely concentrated on what people think of them and how their actions and words are perceived. this makes me feel very bad for them, because those are the kind of people who will do anything to be accepted. and with that, they are usually unhappy people. don't do that. you make yourself a victim of your own chains. break free.

i would do anything for you to know that all i want is for you to be happy.

i'm trying this new thing... it's kind of like, if you want to be in my life... show it. I'm not going to
put forth the effort in talking to you if you can't do the same. so to you dear reader, if we know each other, let me know you care. because if you do, i'm sure you mean the world to me. i'm just seeing who cares enough to break through.

my father was a really good musician. i wish i was. maybe i have it somewhere inside me. well, my love for music is there. and that's why i believe mainstream music is so overrated. go beyond the things played on the radio. listen to some indie. listen to some guy playing his acoustic guitar and pouring his heart out. listen to the beat that you can't help but tap your foot to...because that's real music. real music is feeling the passion and the lyrics making more sense than anything else.

times, they are changing.

sometimes i need to write, something...anything, in order to feel some sense of wholesomeness. i guess that's just how it is, and there's nothing else i can do to feel this wholesomeness. it gives me an outer-body view, away from myself.

i was in the car, and i saw a broken soul today. i prayed for her, and i asked god to make her day just a little better.

this summer is coming to an end. it's been the fastest one yet. my senior year is starting and i'm trying my best to be excited and tell myself i'm prepared. even though the only way to fall is down, i'm not planning on falling at all. perhaps i'll trip, perhaps i'll stumble. but i always get myself back on track, and always will.

i don't know what to do about my life. there's so many decisions and risks and complication that comes on the way to being happy. i just wish i could be happy without having to go through unhappiness...it doesn't really make much sense. but i do it because i'm hoping it will all be worth it in the end.

can you believe you really are all i've ever wanted?

all of my love.
corbin.

we know the price we pay,

i'm noticing ignorance more and more.

i often look at people and wonder who they were when they were young. how their lives have changed, and what feelings they've experienced far too much of, or not enough. it gets overwhelming, driving past their face, and watching it fade away, and knowing i will probably never meet that person, yet they could be the one to change my life forever. i start to think about things, and then, breathe heavily thinking about the people i miss that i haven't got a chance to meet yet. i wonder to myself, how can i miss someone i've never met? then i tell myself it's not possible. and then...i start to get really sad thinking about who i want in my life so badly, but don't have. it all happens too quickly for me to notice sometimes.

i remember being a child. i remember everything about it. i still can bring myself to feeling that exact feeling. imagination was found in the simplest places and everywhere i looked. happiness didn't come to me for a certain reason, it was just there. if i could, i would break the hands of all clocks, making time stop, or even slow down. i want to stay in certain moments forever. and they pass so quickly; and i wonder, how i didn't appreciate it so much then. i guess life works that way. it's unfortunate.

i have memories that come rushing back to me, and i shake, i find myself broken. because as much as i appreciate them, i would do anything to go back.

Amazing how life turns out the way that it does

We end up hurting the worst, the only ones we really love

i keep these letters so i remember how life can be so short when you're left alone to wonder how it is, someone opens and shuts the door.

why is this?

i find this pointless, and endless, and unfair. and honestly, i don't know how comfortable i am with talking about it.

i'm trying to let go of my fear. because love is empty with fear and worry. i just want to live through and with love. but wishes don't fix my eyes. or heart.

i would do anything to be in a car right now, despite the darkness that i love so much, traveling far away with just the right music. silence. and the air in my lungs. anything.

-i hope you don't hurt like you did.

this time comes slowly, i put my feet in the water.

will i watch you die?

i just want to speak love into their lives.

i may not know how to get there,

but i know about love.

and how i never want to see you give up.

it hurts me to watch you cry.

when the time comes, i release myself from this

the road is cut short

is it over now?

i want to be your last i love you.

i love too deeply, that i seem to get hurt more vulnerably.

it's hard to want to take someone's pain so bad. you would gladly take it all, plus more, so they didn't have to go through any of it. it's hard to watch them hurt themselves, literally, and feel so helpless, with no explanation. i'm an explanation kind of person. i usually know why someone is the way they are, and have an idea of how i can help them. not this time. now, i'm so completely lost. and if i feel so lost, i can only imagine how they feel.

i saw something the other day, "HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT, JUST MAYBE, YOUR THOUGHTS AREN'T AS CRAZY AS YOU THINK?" Or something like that. the truth is, no i haven't. i've always thought my thoughts are so much different than other peoples. but i'm starting to see that they're not. i'm starting to see people feel the same things i do, and have gone through similar things. it's kind of reassuring. but...i still know, i think in a different way than most people and am so glad for that. it took me a while to get here, but i'm here.

 there's something dancing here in the shadows and i wish it were us.

i sometimes wish for not only one more soul to love me, but for me to love one more soul. and i feel like, that would make all the imperfect things fade away, and it would become perfect in it's own imperfect way.

i live for evenings and nighttime. i truly do.

two nights ago, i had dreams all night long about my father. they were the realest dreams i have ever had, and a part of me thinks they were sort of real. i can't explain it but i've not been able to get it out of my head. it wasn't just my brains interpretation of him, it was my FATHER's presence in my dream. i know it. and it kind of gave me a sense of comfort to "see" him again. i'm sorry if i sound crazy to you. and if i do, let me tell you dear reader...the world is filled with crazy people, and i would bet, you are one of those crazy people in your own way.

i feel as if something is pulling me down, and away from myself. i wish i knew. it's like something is calling me a certain direction, and i keep turning away, but i don't know how to turn the other direction. it's confusing, and tragic, and unchangeable, and beautiful.

listening for voices, but it's the choices that make us who we are. you've been misguided, hiding in shadows for so very long.

there's a correlation between life and death, two opposites that are merily the same. they push us and pull us and determine everything we are, and we have absolutely no control over both. it spins my head in a million directions and makes me appreciate the things i am able to choose.

i refuse...to live a normal life. you will see.

i try to smile at most people. i feel bad for those who i forget to smile at. not that my smile makes everyone's day shine, but i think i have the opportunity to make someone's a little brighter. i don't want to miss anyone, because i can't know who needs it the most by looking. well, sometimes you can.

those who live their lives with the most hatred are looking for the most love.

it's kind of sad.

i used to love you.

you are my everything.

lovelovelove.

forever.

goodnight.

close your eyes and we'll fly away, we'll come back home someday,

i know you didn't bring me here to drown. but i sure am struggling, fighting these waves. i'm used to living under the surface. when will i float?

i'm laying under the stars, hence the inspiration for the photo above. and the quote i added to it, i wrote, and it really inspires me all in itself. i never thought i could inspire myself. this was the only time i think i'm capable of doing that. it's just one of those rare things. you wish could come again, but you know it won't. so you just have to accept it. and appreciate it.

anyway, this fresh air was something that i needed. sometimes i just need myself. i need nothing but my thoughts and music to heal what i've been feeling. to get myself centered, to remember what's important, to think about who i've become and who i'm capable of being. it reminds me that i'm so small. that my problems mean nothing. that i can overcome. anything. because i've noticed that when i'm out of breathe, the wind still blows. and when i feel so dim, the stars still shine just as bright.

you will always be my light.

i've tried helping so many people lately. i didn't go searching for people's problems, but they somehow came slipping to me. despite my need for no issues. besides, i have my own. but i'm grateful for this. because i've given advice, but more than that...i've just listened to people. sometimes that's all we need. i sometimes feel that someone is struggling, and so quickly, unexpectedly, i feel drawn to them. and they feel drawn to me. perhaps for a reason.

am i delusional?

i KNOW i will do great things, unusual things. big things. more than most people. god has given me that opportunity and the ability to forsee it. now, i'm no greater than any of you are. you're probably even greater, dear reader. but i'm just saying, i have a gift that most do not. and i will provide a lot to this world. i know this somehow.

i appreciate this dark, starry sky right now. if only it knew. i heard each star represents someone special who has died. if that's true, i hope i'll have a place in this sky someday. and have a good reason to be there. not just because i existed. but because i did something to earn my bright sky that so many people wish upon. and even if i don't earn a star, and all that is just a myth, it still leaves me with something to believe in.

i've yet to find someone who wants to talk to me me longer than i want to talk to them. okay, that sort of makes me sound like a loner. but i mean it totally different than that. i'll admit people do generally like me. not to sound arrogant, but i really have no problem becoming friends with people. sometimes i choose not to. i just want someone who desires my presence so very much that they willl seek it with everything in them. that's too much to ask for, i know. i try hard in relationships. if i feel they're worth it. i make sure i talk to the people i care about as much as possible, like i'm business networking or something. that was sort of a confession. i'm not used to those. and i hope it doesn't sound weird. though i don't mind sounding weird, because i am who i am. it's important for me to write exactly how i feel. i don't want to lie to myself, or anyone reading. because i want people to relate, and not feel like i'm hiding who i am, because it's important that you, dear reader, don't hide anything about yourself. lay it all out there, don't be afraid of opinions, and those who are meant to be in your life will accept you.

-tell me things will be alright. i just need to hear it.

i got lost in the madness of the world and i needed to escape desperately. i've half escaped. people's useless drama. i'm not like that. i like to focus on the world. you might not see that in me from far away. it's hard to feel like i have such a close connection to the world. i love feeling and knowing i do. but it's a lot to take in and leaves me feeling a variety of emotions i sometimes cannot take. i hope this makes some sort of sense. "a close connection to the world...what?...corbin, you're crazy....or, i've felt that too." did i read your mind? i bet i didn't.

"you're not perfect sport. but this girl you met, she's perfect. but whether or not you're perfect for each other? that's the whole deal. you can do anything in the world, but the only way you'll figure out this one is giving it a shot."

 

it's been so long since i felt the feeling of tomorrow,

 

*i took this photo, and edited it.

I want to love as if I have never knew the pain that resulted from it. We're all lost, we're all hoping to be found in some way. We all are begging for someone to take us away from the struggle of wanting to be loved. Not being, or feeling loved is a reason for many people to lash out, to feel helpless, to turn to things they never wanted to turn to. I wish I could show a broken soul what it feels like to be loved. I need to prove not everyone is a judmental, imprudent person. I never want to see tears that no one cares about. I never want to see someone fall to the ground, exhausted with feeling insecurities. But I would be willing to see that pain, in order to help them. I don't know how to, truthfully, but I pray that I can show someone love who has never felt it. Because everyone deserves love. And we're all capable of giving it.

But if we're not shown love, how will we know what love is? Or how to give it away?

Currently listening to: Slowly moving in by Jamestown Story
& Oceans for backyards by Isles & Glaciers afterwards.

I could cry right now.

Helplessly, admittingly vulnerably.

Things that make me cry:

(positively or negatively)

-Music that makes me think about things

-Photographs

-Not knowing

-Feeling as if I have no way out, or no control over a situation

-True love ended by death

-Struggling people

-Honest to goodness kindness

-Seeing love so strong that you can feel it

As I lay here, I wonder what you dear reader, are thinking of, while skimming or reading this post. Perhaps you're thinking of only these words and either thinking "What?" or "I agree." It's a possibility that you're thinking of someone, whom you love more than anything. Maybe you're wondering what your plans are for the rest of the day, or for tomorrow. I wonder if you feel scared, or if you feel accomplished. If you feel somber, or if you feel passion.

Whatever you're feeling or thinking of, dear reader, I hope you can find some happiness in there.

There's something more to this life. I hope you can believe we're not here for absolutely no reason. Do you think it's a coincidence that we're breathing, thinking, living? I'd be naive to think that.

My dreams kept me sleeping for a long time last night.

I'm fully convinced...once I love someone, there's nothing I could ever do to make myself stop loving them. Sometimes I don't like that. Though it's not something I would change even if possible.

this love i thought i knew,

it somehow blew right through.

with no hope of every slowing down,

here we are, bound.

- ^ just a little something i needed to write. to feel this post was finished.

my thoughts fly away when i think of you,

*I edited this photo

I want to not only have my breath taken away, but I want to take breaths away in the softest ways.

Currently listening to: Leave your bullets at the door, Luke Pickett

Sometimes perfection is about imperfect things coming together in their own way. Perfection is sometimes about things not being perfect, but being beautiful in their own way.

My secrets are painted in a way that doesn't allow the paint to dry. My voice fades, and you can't hear my screaming echoing from these walls. The air was so gently pressed against my skin, and still, I'm falling with gravity assisting my fall. I'd give up my forever lasting self to touch your white skin that's slowly disappearing, away from me in this moment. Breathing in death through my lungs has never made me feel so alive. There's no question, the world will never understand this broken glass I've thrown against anyone who's willing to love me again. I can't fight tears. I would sacrifice bleeding in a way to know that I'm still alive inside.

Sometimes I find myself so unbelievably quiet, unable to speak the words in my mind. Sometimes it's hard to handle it all, becaue I feel as if I have such a close connection to the world. Truthfully, I'll never be able to explain myself. A sense of relief, a feeling of reassurement is something I crave. If I'm not careful, I can fall back into the ominous hole I crawled so slowly out of. The energy in all that takes me away from myself, if that makes any sort of sense at all.  I suspect it doesn't. And if it does, I suspect you've felt similarly. And if you have, I want you to know there's someone out there who feels the exact same way, and there's a way to overcome it all and be yourself when the world pulls you every which way.

I want to tell you right now, that I can't imagine my life without God. I want you to know that God can set you free from worry and distress. He doesn't want you to go through life without being constantly happy. Please dear reader, choose to be happy and live your live through him.

Confessions:
1. I don't believe when people tell me I'm amazing, or someone completely special.
But I hope that I am. And am capable of seeing it someday if it is true
2. I am sensitive to the things that people I love do and say
3. I listen to music more than I do anything. truthfully
4. I love being alone without feeling lonely
5. Danger exites me
6. Sometimes writing is my only way out
7. I've wished for the same thing for a year, everytime I blew out candles, saw 11:11, bought a wish bracelet, saw one star in the sky, or prayed at night
-It hasn't come true. Yet.

-Corbin, what do you believe in?
Me: God.
-Other than religion.
Me: I guess I believe in a lot.
-Then what?
Me: I don't know...
-You know, it's pretty important in life to know what you believe in. When someone asks you what you believe in, you should know right then and there.

What they said is so true. <3
We should know exactly what we believe in, and stand by those things. We shouldn't be afraid to say those things at any moment, to whomever.
The number one thing I believe in is unconditional love. I want someone to love me for exactly who I am, and I hope that I always have that kind of love to give away. It is a love that is totally selfless, where a person gives out love to another person even if this act does not benefit them in any way.
Whether the love given is returned or not, the person continues to love.
Helping out someone even if they hate you.
Taking insults without giving them back.
Doing something without anything in return.

Please dear reader, believe in yourself.

-Thoughts change and in time they rearrange. I don't know who you are anymore.

I am love. I am strength. I am hope. I am laughter. But it's all come with a price.
These summer nights, they've drifted back to me.

Goodnight. lovelovelove.
-C

i can't complicate your breathing, you've done that yourself,

people are going to see what they want to see in me.
whatever they see, i hope they can feel how much love i have to give.

beyond my mistakes, my downfalls, and my insecurities.

the beautiful are the ones who can see beauty.

I can tell you that my trip to Virginia Beach was way beyond my expectations.

The best part was, seeing the things that never seemed real to me.

This dawn breaks, and I know I'll never get this moment back

So I breathe, take it in, and smile

Do we speak such things to see what we can taste?

And do we look to find something to know we can see?

Is this something we know is just a waste?

To convince ourselves we are more than who we are, we run.

We run away from the burdens that burn within us.

All I know has slowly become nothing

And I'd be naive to think,

What you are is something I can change.

Your passions are insincere,

Your motives, seem to disappear

Is it fair for me to point out this lack of human nature?

No, but fairness slipped away when I realized I wasn't secure

Life is about what you're willing to give

What you're willing to give, what you're willing to give, to live.

You would rather be loved for who you're not,

Than hated for who you are.

I know, I walk alone, I stand alone here, until I drown

What we're willing to sacrifice

Is the ultimate suffice

It's to make you better than who you are,

To give you meaning behind those scars

It will make you worth the breaths you take

No one can rescue you.

If you seek what gives you an eternity

Look inside yourself, find a way to see

You'll never see what lies in front of you

This path will leave you with nothing

Your waking feelings can save you

With this, how could you be the same?

I want to always remember, I wrote that ^ while sitting on my bedroom floor 15 minutes ago, listening to "And Alseep, I am your Everything" by Luke Pickett. I don't want to remember this poem/song/unknown, however, because it's just something I needed to write, and doesn't seem to mean something to me like some of the other things I write. I'm not satisfied with it as a whole, but I don't want to change the orginial, raw feelings I wrote down so quickly. So I'm leaving it, and hoping some other eyes can read it, and feel a sense of understanding and relate to it in some small way. If you read every line, thank you.

You may not believe this, dear reader, but I believe I love you more than I can say, or will love you someday...and if you don't think so, it's just because we haven't had the opportunity to get to know each other as well as we could. We're capable of loving anyone to the greatest extent.

-I don't want you to ever feel alone. Even if i'm alone because of you. You simply captivate me. But you've let me go, despite my inability to fly. And this I ask of you...when you look at yourself do you see the beauty that I see? Because I see it come out all the time. And I miss seeing your face light up. You've got perfection in your heart. I can't imagine running through the clouds without you.

"I will confess when my beautiful wife showed your post to me I was hooked you have so much in wisdom that you probably cannot deal with, just remember this...You are loved and love will overcome so many things....thank you...Corbin...."

<3

Don't cry yourself to sleep,

You know there's no need to weep.

If someone out there ever writes a song for or about me, I believe I will cry right then and there and melt right where I stand.

With that, I say

 Goodnight.

And lovelovelove

i'll still miss your existence through this cold air,

is this the end of the moment or just a beautiful unfolding of a love that will never be?

or maybe be everything that i never thought that could happen, or could ever come to passing?

i wonder if maybe i could be all you ever dreamed.

because you are beautiful inside.

Hope [Hohp]

noun, verb, hoped, hop·ing.

1. the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best: to give up hope.

2. something that is hoped for: Her forgiveness is my constant hope.

 

I'm not naive. I have to say this because, I'm finding more people who are. I believe every person has infinite potential. But a lot of people seem to have no worldly experience at all. No sense of who they are, or how to put words together to make thoughts, express feelings, or show love. I wish that for them--that somewhere along the line in this life they are able to find that they can be loved.

Through everything, I was able to convince myself the hope I once had was still somewhere within me.

Everything makes sense if we just stand back, stand still, and look at things from the most distant and disconnected way. if we feel any sort of negative emotion, our perception of reality is distorted. That's how I feel. And yes, we will always feel negative emotions at some point. So...what i'm saying here is that, our perception of reality is always distorted in some kind of way. by our thoughts, by the way we look at things.

but all that can be changed.

i'm not strong enough.

Somehow, someway, I'm fully convinced sadness brings a sense of happiness to me.

But i'll never let my happiness bring a sense of sadness.

I've learned that my happiness can slip away from me faster than it came.

And now, I'm doing things differently.

I'm appreciating feeling pure happiness.

"We have the answers on always running around. keep your feet on the ground....we know exactly what you're going through tonight."

-To the steadfast by The Scene Aesthetic

Sometimes our problems get the best of us, and we feel like running away so fast, to escape feeling any kind of pain.

Sometimes, I fall too hard. Unaware of how I will get back up. Or why I was knocked down. And that scares me more than I'm willing to admit.

if you haven't...read the post below. it's very important to me. <3

Lights out, I still hear the rain. These images that fill my head now keep my fingers from making mistakes, tell my voice what it takes to speak of, speak of and keep my consious clean when I wake. Don't make this easy, I want you to mean it.

lovelovelove. & goodnight.

your bitter goodbye is ringing through this quiet night,

sometimes it's hard to write how we feel inside. so here i go, depicting everything inside me with pictures.

so this is where i stand. far away from you and who we'll ever be. i'm running through this never-ending hallway, avoiding these shadows i know exist. seventeen years have gone by. i'm passed the lights and all of the excuses. you could have signed this letter of life saying "sincerely yours" but you didn't even finish it. don't complain of the burning of this letter than meant nothing to you. because i thought it would mean everything to me. 

...but i'll still miss your existence through this cold air.

The desperate truth: Well number one, I feel such a strong urge to write on this blog. It's become my therapy and a necessity sometimes for me to be able to sleep. And secondly, sometimes I write notes down and use them to write on here. I'm sorry, that's a little pathetic I know. But it's just me. And I'm addicted to lists of any kind that I can make.

Sometimes I wonder if my dreams are truly reality...and the life I live is what I imagine.
And perhaps...all the things I think I know is a false perception.

I often dream I'm trapped somewhere with situations I can't escape from or avoid, and I'm forever repeating the same things and there's nothing I can do about it.


-Don't you think it's obvious I want to see more?

I've learned sometimes when we're lost on our own path, all we need is one person to believe in us, to give us hope that there is a life for us out there. And sometimes we forget that. We forget in life, there's lifeguards to keep us from drowning, if we're one of those extremely lucky people who have people who love us. And reader, I suspect you're on of those people, and you're one of those lifeguards to someone else. So don't forget, you have a job in life to help people from drowning. And there are people who will do the same for you.
My lifeguards have meant so much to me. And are more amazing than I'll ever be. As I've said before.

I've come to the conclusion that I can always make it when I think I can't.

I want everything to shine around me. Thinking about that, makes me feel so far away.

Currently listening to: Midnight Highway by Daphne Loves Derby on repeat.

Have you ever felt like you belong to a world that doesn't let you reach out and touch anything? Or anyone? I don't know if this will make sense to anyone else beside myself. My thoughts are meant for myself. Sometimes all I want is to reach out and grab someone that's not me, but I can't and I hope one day I'll have that strength.

One thing that I know is...that we can't wait for something to happen to be happy. We have to be happy in the exact moment we're in, and then, we can expect the happiness to come to us. This, I'm sure of.

I'm still waiting for you to say you hate me now, so I don't have to.

I'm so tempted to walk outside, as late as it is, and walk through this thunderstorm. But, I won't. Unless I feel the complete need again. Then, of course, it's unavoidable.

Goodnight. And...

love. love. love.

i can't tell you what it is; i can only tell you what if feels like,

I don't want to have to fight to keep myself alive.

I don't want to wait for someone to save me.

dear someone,

you are the reason for my tangled emotions.

i'll never understand the complexity of who you are and the motives behind what you do to me.

that's not the saddest part.

the saddest part is, having to go along with it and avoid the reality of things.

in some way, there has to be a way out.

maybe i'll find it some day. and maybe i'll never completely know.

i'll just keep changing as you chizzle me away, molding me into you. i'll never be able to face myself.

you've avoided my heart for far too long. another thing left unsaid, another moment torn down. you know, that moment you lost could have been something that changed us for the better.

i hope you regret this someday, and have sleepless nights wishing you would feel different.

and that you see exactly what i see now.

i've thought i was crazy for far too long, but i'm old enough, and just wise enough, to see the turth in all of this.

i hope you know,

                         .... i love you.

sincerely,

corbin

i've found the unexpected, seemingly inconsequential things to mean the most. i used to give my full self in the hope of someone catching a small glimpse of who i really am,

but now, i'm doing things I've come to the conclusion that everything has an explanation, but not everyone is willing to search for that answer. And not everyone is capable of seeing it..

i may be nonexistent to you, but someday. i promise, you'll mean everything to me.

i've reached a point in my life where i'm starting to see things in a way that lets me get past the negativity. and i'm very thankful for that. life is difficult, and i'm hoping it gets easier along the way. or I get stronger, either way... i hope things change in a way that can bring me some sort of happiness.

Don't you think it's significant, the impact that people have on our lives? It's an impact that can last forever. The smallest things that seem to mean nothing at the time could make a world of difference.  I love that.

Even though sometimes it's sad, sometimes it's hard to come by, I love those moments.

Sometimes we don't think anything will come of the smallest situation, but we never really know. The biggest and best change in our lives can come from the tiniest choice we make. The truth is, we never know which decision to make because we can't predict the future. The best we can do is trust our hearts to guide us through life, and God to take us through the path with the best outcome.

And I hope everything that I do leads me in the way that will bring me myself.

Does that make sense?

I've come to the conclusion that everything has an explanation, but not everyone is willing to search for that answer. And not everyone is capable of seeing it.

I don't like seeing people begging other people to stay in their lives, even if it's not literal. Why should we have to do that? I want people in my life who want me in their lives. If I'm not important to you, I don't want to waste my time caring more about you than I do about myself. And I tend to do that. I care too much, and sometimes...it leaves me vulnerable and unwilling to let go.

give me a reason to stay with you; just let me know, so i can run away faster than ever before.

counting down all the hours i've spent here drowning in all of your lies.

i wish that i could have been warned.

i'd love to take back every word i said.

i'm so sorry, dear, i must escape

before you suffocate me.

i hope this is all that you wanted.

love.